AMAZON

Monday, June 25, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday: Laughs to Get U Thru the Day

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.


The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.


Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."


The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children.... he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"






Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a pack of condoms.


The receptionist says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"


Daffy replies..."Don't be thupid, - I'd thufficate!!!"







A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ..... 

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. 



She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."



A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home. When they reach the front door, he leans up against the house with one hand and says, "How about a blowjob?" 

"What! Are you crazy!" 

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures her.

"No! Someone might see us..." 

"Jus a fast one," he insists. "I know you like it." 

"No! I said no!" 

"Baby... don't be like that." 

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, or I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake, tell your idiot boyfriend to take his damned hand off the intercom button."

Breakfast in Bed

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. 

"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." 

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." 

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew I shouldn't trust her!" 




Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to slap the cat around."



Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.


"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."


A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. 

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. 
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!" 

KATZ

The Cat's Lifestyle from the Cat's Viewpoint




 












136 Year Ago Today, Sitting Bull Did His Thing to Custer and the 7th Cavalry






4 comments:

  1. Lol! Needed to see this! Helps, had a hard week.
    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the laughs, SSN!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for the much-needed laughs, as always, Nick. x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey Nick, I'm not on FB anymore, but my husband is and I saw your post about the phone company. I went through the same thing with Verizon: I broke down and got "the bundle" with the idea that my bill would be about 77 bucks. For about 2 months it was over 200, plus they didn't even turn on my internet for 3 weeks. I too, did battle with them. Now my bill is about 127. And I don't even use the damn cable, and I got the most basic subscription that I could get. So the bill does get lower, but it is a total bait and switch.

    ReplyDelete