tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post114547963759832544..comments2024-01-02T06:46:03.449-05:00Comments on Nick's Bytes: Incest: Does the Pain Ever Stop? A Personal StoryAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-14044122454770184052008-06-08T19:58:00.000-04:002008-06-08T19:58:00.000-04:00I just found your article. All I can say is THANK ...I just found your article. All I can say is THANK YOU.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-48295015065648779212008-04-28T08:58:00.000-04:002008-04-28T08:58:00.000-04:00I followed the links from Rhapsody's blog. This st...I followed the links from Rhapsody's blog. This story is so close to what happened to me and my sisters that it gives me chills. I never thought that others were abused by their father like us. Thank you for sharing this. If writing it was as painful for you as reading it was for me, it took courage to share. By sharing the story you have helped me more than I can explain. Thnank you!!!!!!!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-16285443482791631132008-04-26T23:50:00.000-04:002008-04-26T23:50:00.000-04:00This is becoming a very famous post, Reverend Nick...This is becoming a very famous post, Reverend Nick. I encounter references and links to it all over the Internet. Thank you, dear sir, for your openness, honesty, vulnerability, and the courage it must have taken to share this story.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-5431604579721985562008-03-22T08:34:00.000-04:002008-03-22T08:34:00.000-04:00Whar sad story. I am so sorry you and your wife ha...Whar sad story. I am so sorry you and your wife had to go through it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-39200000782140294752008-03-19T11:38:00.000-04:002008-03-19T11:38:00.000-04:00Nick, thank you so much for allowing us to include...Nick, thank you so much for allowing us to include this excellent series in this month's edition of THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I'm just getting to know you and your blogging through Enola and I hadn't read these posts, so I'm glad you resurrected them! I hope you will consider joining us again for the carnival. You write with such compassion and I appreciate all the links. Details are always at my blog each month, as I maintain this particular carnival. (Thanks a lot for including the BC widget on your sidebar as well. We appreciate your support and advocacy.)Marj aka Thriverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06825698906631474866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-7413776118217931502008-03-16T21:57:00.000-04:002008-03-16T21:57:00.000-04:00I read all 4 of your linked articles on incest. Th...I read all 4 of your linked articles on incest. Thank you for your insights and the information you shared. I am the partner of an incest survivor.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-91189980557548057232008-03-15T11:37:00.000-04:002008-03-15T11:37:00.000-04:00Nick,I so admire how you stood by your wife and tr...Nick,<BR/>I so admire how you stood by your wife and tried to get your hands on as much info as you could that would help you in understanding her pain as she tried to heal.<BR/><BR/>I tried marriage 4 times myself, and none of them lasted. At the time I had no clue why, for I hadn't even begun to deal with my abusive childhood until the last marriage.<BR/><BR/>There are so many fallouts from incest and sexual abuse--it's not just the victims themselves.<BR/><BR/>I'm sorry you and your wife didn't make it, but I admire the fact that you hold no bitterness towards her.<BR/><BR/>beautifuldreamer<BR/><BR/>bdreamer.squarespace.comAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-34739893162388625202008-03-14T21:42:00.000-04:002008-03-14T21:42:00.000-04:00Thank you for your courage to write this most help...Thank you for your courage to write this most helpful post and for including it in this month’s Blog Carnival against Abuse. Like others who have commented here, I am touched by your grace, faithfulness, integrity, and love.<BR/><BR/>I know how emotional it is to revisit painful experiences in written word. Yours is the most heartfelt and eloquent story I have read from the partner perspective. <BR/><BR/>Thank you for providing a wonderful model for a community of survivors and partners.AbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-15181502877268411352008-03-14T21:23:00.000-04:002008-03-14T21:23:00.000-04:00Your story is amazing and so poignant. Thank you f...Your story is amazing and so poignant. Thank you for sharing it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-33490567485416720522008-03-14T17:20:00.000-04:002008-03-14T17:20:00.000-04:00This was very difficult for me to read as a marrie...This was very difficult for me to read as a married survivor of sexual abuse, but I thank you for writing it. What a powerful, important post. You are a very special individual, to have seen your wife through this and to have endured your divorce with the level of grace and acceptance that you show here.Angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08013834612284846819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-55099690952238687022007-08-29T01:12:00.000-04:002007-08-29T01:12:00.000-04:00The pain and the memories of abuse can arise and p...The pain and the memories of abuse can arise and present themselves in the most unexpected places and ways. The words, "just get over it" are callous and what the person who speaks them does not realize is that there is nothing we would rather do. However, even when we think we have, we will realize in the most vulnerable moments and in the simpliest everyday tasks, that even when we think we have, we have not and we never will.<BR/><BR/>I realize this is an odd thing to ask, but when it gets closer to the date for the blogger event, can you remind me?Party Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03803387514872401131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1147638380470862422006-05-14T16:26:00.000-04:002006-05-14T16:26:00.000-04:00Hello NickI commend you for your honesty and openn...Hello Nick<BR/><BR/>I commend you for your honesty and openness. My wife alos was abused by her family in so many ways. I cannot tell you number of times I wanted to beat the living crud out of so many people. The direct outcome of her abuse was she became multiple to survive. her traumas were so repeated that she ended up a "mega-multiple". Her bothers and sister were also abused, so far 2 of her brothers have admitted such. Most of the people who abused them or arranged for it are dead now, but the effects live on. Aunts and Uncles who did nothing still will not discuss and sadly are covering up for a son of the uncle who abused my wife. His son has carried on the family tradition. When my wife found out she called family serviecs and reported him. The rest of the family was aghast!!! How could she? It makes me sick. What makes me even angrier is our children who were told to some degree what happened to their mother to bring about the multiplicity, do not support her anymore. when they were home they did, but when they got married their attitude changed, to the point of excluding us from thier lives. We don't fit in the mold of "normal" parents or in-laws. We have been married for 36 years this September, we report abuse, we distance ourselves from people who abuse, emotionally as well as physically, our attitude is if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. It sounds like you and your exwife tried to work it all out, I respect both of you for your efforts and your feelings, all of which i agree with.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1146301595373897242006-04-29T05:06:00.000-04:002006-04-29T05:06:00.000-04:00Hello Nick ~~ What courage to write that story. Wh...Hello Nick ~~ What courage to write that story. What your poor ex-wife went through as well as her sisters.<BR/>What a rotten individual her father was. You were really great to go through all that with her and to have been such a help. I salute you. <BR/>I am sure your story has helped others<BR/>who were abused. Thirty years is a<BR/>long time to stay together under the<BR/>circumstances. Thanks for sharing.Merlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05763778255535640633noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1146002654175396922006-04-25T18:04:00.000-04:002006-04-25T18:04:00.000-04:00You're quite a man. I could not have done what you...You're quite a man. I could not have done what you have done.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145899295720775732006-04-24T13:21:00.000-04:002006-04-24T13:21:00.000-04:00JD’s ROSE—Yes, it was very difficult for me to wri...JD’s ROSE—Yes, it was very difficult for me to write it, even though I have shared the story before in workshops for partners of incest survivors. No, let me correct that: I shared the story in workshops along with my ex-wife before we separated. <BR/><BR/>I agree: there are many victims/survivors—and there are many people who love them. As Ken Graber says so well in his book, loving a survivor of incest is difficult because the survivor’s sense of love was shattered in his/her childhood by the adult—parent, grandparent, uncle, aunt—who was supposed to love the survivor but exploited that love for the perpetrator’s own twisted pleasure.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your affirmation. If this post and my response to its contents can open doors and understand for even one incest survivor or the partner of one, then I have done what I intended to do.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145688981824593432006-04-22T02:56:00.000-04:002006-04-22T02:56:00.000-04:00Don’t blame yourself, Nick, for how the incest aff...Don’t blame yourself, Nick, for how the incest affected Nick and Rob. It was horrific for all of you. I am thankful that you all lived and are able to tell the tale.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145659313788399822006-04-21T18:41:00.000-04:002006-04-21T18:41:00.000-04:00LITTLE SISTER—Yes, I do need a bit of space after ...LITTLE SISTER—Yes, I do need a bit of space after writing that one. That’s also why I am responding to the comments one at a time, as I am able. I sometimes have wonder if , had I known more about incest and sexual abuse and its long term effects on the victims, I would have married my ex-wife. I have no answer to that question. I do believe that what we went though was evil and the results of an evil act by a very evil man. <BR/><BR/>I often temper describing my ex-father-in-law to myself as evil because I know that he was severely physically abused throughout his childhood. But I tell myself that, had I been so abused, I would do everything I could not to pass the abuse on to my own children.<BR/><BR/>I hope the book links are beneficial to those who follow them. Both books are relatively old, but both are excellent resources.<BR/><BR/>Again, thanks for your comments!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145658777345034902006-04-21T18:32:00.000-04:002006-04-21T18:32:00.000-04:00GEOPP-WATCH—Thank you for your comments. I have vi...GEOPP-WATCH—Thank you for your comments. I have visited the blog sites you have related to Dr. Julius G. K. Goepp and I am impressed with the work he/you are doing. Many blessings and much shalom to you.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145658507601849452006-04-21T18:28:00.000-04:002006-04-21T18:28:00.000-04:00MICHELLE—Thank you. I suppose that, even though it...MICHELLE—Thank you. I suppose that, even though it is over, a 30-year marriage is rather amazing these days. I understand that the percentage of women who have been sexually abused at least once before the age of 18 is now estimated at one in three—at least in the United States. I know that I have met many. My ex-wife has helped many and I suppose I have also. <BR/><BR/>Thank you again for your comment—and even more so for the work you do for sexually abused kids.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145641287042479262006-04-21T13:41:00.000-04:002006-04-21T13:41:00.000-04:00AZSONOFAGUN—Thank you, Rex. Yes, I believe it was ...AZSONOFAGUN—Thank you, Rex. Yes, I believe it was difficult for them. It wasn’t until after he was married that Rob, my #2 son, told me about his feelings and some of what he went through. I am truly sorry and disturbed that I did not see what was happening to Rob. Nick, my #1 son, refuses to discuss his issues, which also grieves me.<BR/><BR/>Again, thank you for your comment.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145635231526186712006-04-21T12:00:00.000-04:002006-04-21T12:00:00.000-04:00THOMAS—Thank you for your words, my friend. It too...THOMAS—Thank you for your words, my friend. It took me a while to decide to share this story. I did so exactly because of the words you wrote: “A personal story has much more of an impact that reams of sterile statistics.” Yet, sharing a personal story is also a risk and makes one very vulnerable. I realized this before I wrote it.<BR/><BR/>After my niece told my mother what I had written in this post, she was (and still is) displeased. In her words, I should not have “hung my dirty laundry out for others to see.” She is also afraid that my ex-wife will sue me, especially since I mentioned she is a Lesbian.<BR/><BR/>In my discussion with my mother I pointed out: (1) keeping the “secret” is what allows incest to continue to exist; (2) the silence was broken not only when my ex-wife prosecuted her father, but before that (see next paragraph); and (3) my ex-wife will not sue me because she does not hide the fact of her Lesbian lifestyle, but is an activist.<BR/><BR/>Something unique and important that I did not put in my post took place around the time of the persecution of my ex-father-in-law. I pointed out that the only one in her family who supported my ex-wife in the prosecution was her youngest sister, who happened to then work for Kentucky Public Radio (she now works for Kentucky Educational Television). Three radio spots were produced telling the story of the incest in their family, specifically featuring my ex-wife and her wiliness to break the silence and prosecute. The series won an award and was picked up by National Public Radio, condensed, and broadcast on NPR.<BR/><BR/>I sincerely hope that sharing the story does help folks. At the very least, may other understand that they are not alone in their pain and that there are resources to help them.<BR/><BR/>Thanks again for your kind words.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145633862863007692006-04-21T11:37:00.000-04:002006-04-21T11:37:00.000-04:00Rev Richard Fowler—Rick, I sincerely appreciate yo...Rev Richard Fowler—Rick, I sincerely appreciate you reading my blog and your comment. Although we have just recently become acquainted, I feel I know you well since you are the brother of my dear friend and pastor, Doug (who, by the way, has supplied many of the jokes I have posted on Mondays).<BR/><BR/>When you write that the post resonates with you in regard to your first marriage, I can only guess at what pain she and you endured. <BR/><BR/>What you deem as “my generosity” I termed as my “love”—unconditional love—for my ex-wife. As I continue with my responses to other comments, I will most probably expand on my understanding of “unconditional.” <BR/><BR/>I think we “learn” what we need to learn when the time is right and we are open to leaning. I also believe that that “learning” involves an acceptance of what, as Reinhold Niebuhr’s prayer indicated, cannot be changed. <BR/><BR/>Thanks again for your comments.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145633059143985022006-04-21T11:24:00.000-04:002006-04-21T11:24:00.000-04:00I thank each of you for your comments. I want and ...I thank each of you for your comments. I want and am going to respond to each. Usually, I post one comment and address all of the comments I have received in it. However, I have much to say to many of you and so I have decided write a specific comment in response to each of your comments. I shall write in the order in which I received the comments, so, if you are down the line, please check back. I shall respond to all by the end of this weekend.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145615932103630242006-04-21T06:38:00.000-04:002006-04-21T06:38:00.000-04:00Nick:Your story really touched me. I'm a survivor ...Nick:<BR/>Your story really touched me. I'm a survivor and sometimes wonder why my wife has stuck with me through 18 years. Through the therapy... and the bouts of depression... and the flashbacks... and everything else that comes with recovery from incest.<BR/><BR/>Anyone who sticks with a survivor through recovery deserves a gold star on their forehead. It is not an easy task ever.<BR/><BR/>I wish my wife, though, had your resolve, to learn about how to help. And how to reach out to others who are in the same boat. She rejects all offers of therapy, of marriage counseling, of self-help books.... and often suffers in silence and sadness. <BR/><BR/>I applaud both you and your ex-wife for your strength and love. I do wish, though, that you had rammed your fist down the throat of your ex-father in law.<BR/><BR/>He certainly deserved jail or worse, but somehow the image of your fist and his throat is just so much more satisfying.<BR/><BR/>PabloAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-1145595089245964552006-04-21T00:51:00.000-04:002006-04-21T00:51:00.000-04:00heartbreaking and very powerful. Thanks for sharin...heartbreaking and very powerful. Thanks for sharing.Kyleehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01909739435547096628noreply@blogger.com