Nick's Bytes

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

2009-11-09T00:05:00.003-05:00

Support Cannibalism — EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Mr. Turtle was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow."

Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Turtle." Mr. Turtle shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Turtle - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Turtle, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not!" So, Mr. Turtle lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

One day, a man walks into a house of pleasure and says, ''Give me your most dangerous whore.''

The clerk says, ''She's in room 3A.''

The man goes to room 3A and sees a woman with a black leather suit, whips and chains. She tells him that, if he wants danger, then they could have sex on the peak of the roof. The man quickly agrees and they go to the roof and go at it for a while, and then they both fall off the roof, still ''together.'' They land on the sidewalk.

A drunk man walks by, sees them together, and walks into the house of pleasure. The madame says, ''Hey! I thought I told you never to come back here again! Get out, now!''

To this, the drunk replies, ''I just came in here to tell you that your sign fell down.''

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.

WISE (?) WORDS

WINSTON CHURCHILL

MARK TWAIN

KURT VONNEGUT

HUNTER S. THOMPSON

HOMER SIMPSON

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. ~ Oscar Wilde
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. ~ Anonymous
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown. ~ Conan OBrien
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. ~ Garrison Keillor
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. ~ William G. McAdoo
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto. ~ Frankie Boyle
We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours. ~ Harry S. Truman Start every day with a smile and get it over with. ~ W.C. Fields

KATZ

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Light

2009-11-08T05:44:00.001-05:00

May the blessing of light be on you - light without and light within. May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire, so that stranger and friend may come and warm himself at it. And may light shine out of the two eyes of you, like a candle set in the window of a house, bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm. And may the blessing of the rain be on you, may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean, and leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines, and sometimes a star. And may the blessing of the earth be on you, soft under your feet as you pass along the roads, soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day; and may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it. May it rest so lightly over you that your soul may be out from under it quickly; up and off and on its way to God. And now may the Lord bless you, and bless you kindly. Amen.

~An Ancient Scottish Blessing

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow: the Work for Justice & Peace Continues

2009-11-06T15:50:00.001-05:00

Yesterday

To me, the Blogblast for Peace on November 5th was a magnificent success. There were Peace Globes and posts on both Nick's Bytes and Alex's Alexicon blogs. I do not know how many blogs participated: I personally visited almost 40 blogs that celebrated the event by displaying Peace Globes and very creative posting related to peace and, often, justice in our hurting and bloodied world. (You may want to visit Mimi and thank her for creating and managing the Blogblast for Peace and perhaps express condolences regarding the very recent death of her father).

Yesterday I filled with peace...until I received a Breaking News Alert from CNN in my email: Mass Shooting at Fort Hood. I am certain that I need not report the details, the media is doing that overly well. With 13 dead and 31 wounded, the news shocked and horrified me.

I left my computer and turned on the TV for more information. What I found was very little more information, but (as usual) as gaggle of talking-heads commenting on what they knew very little about. The media coverage disturbed me almost must as much as the shootings horrified me. I felt like telephoning CNN and shouting, Keep your bloody mouths shut until you have some facts to report.

Of course, CNN continued the speculative broadcasting as did ABC, CBS, NBC, and , of course, the worst of the yellow journalists, FOX. The "reporting" sickened me.

Today

Nina made a comment on Face Book today that summed up my greatest fears regarding yesterday's yellow journalism:

Driving home last night I received a call from a friend who is Muslims. She said you know they are going to blame Muslims. I arrived home and John said you know they are going to blame Psychiatrists. On the news last night someone said the military needs to take responsibility for this. This morning I have to ask, whatever happened to personal responsibility?

Nina's words turned my thoughts to the days when one of my roles was as a teacher of ethics. In using simulations to teach ethics, I have found that personal responsibility--he did it and he is responsible for his act--usually takes second place to placing the blame on a group. I have always wondered why we do that -- unless, of course, we prefer to deny our own responsibly for our actions.

I shall write a blog post in the near future presenting an ethical game that plays out this strange phenomenon: The Troll on the Bridge. In the meantime, I have been praying for the victims of this terrible violence and their families.

Earlier today as I was engaged in reflecting on yesterday's events, I received another Breaking News Alert: Multiple people shot at Orlando office building; suspect at large. My first response was incredibility; my second was that could it be a copycat acting out the Fort Hood shootings in Orlando?

I don't know the answer and, unlike the media reporting on this second horror in two days, I'll await the facts before I write anything else. I am praying for the victims of today's violence as I have been for the victims of yesterday's atrocity.

A 40-year-old former engineer who was fired two years ago apparently returned to his former firm and shot six people, killing one, Friday morning in an Orlando high-rise, according to police and his former employer. ~ The Washington Post

Tomorrow

I have received several emails informing me that tomorrow the House of Representatives of the United States has the opportunity to right a very long-standing injustice. Tomorrow the House votes on a Health Care Reform bill that will make medical care as available to the poor as it has been for the wealthy. Each email asked me to either telephone my Congressional Representative, Congressman John Yarmuth, and urge that he vote yes on the legislation. Of course I did, even though I already knew that he is going to cast an affirmative vote.

As I am sure you know, I take a personal interest in this legislation. Almost four years of being without health insurance, four years of being without the life-long medications I have been prescribed to counter the genetic clinical depression from which I and others in my family suffer, four years of sinking lower and lower into depression and the real potential of suicide have made me very aware of how expensive and out-of-reach medical care is in the United States for those without money or health insurance.

My very brief experience as a licensed agent selling life and health insurance has made me aware of the greed, lies, and manipulations of at least one insurance company. I do not believe that that insurance company is all that unique.

This injustice in health care has needed change for almost 100 years. As long ago as 1912, President Theodore Roosevelt (you know that he was a Republican, don't you?) sought national health care legislation. The basic issue for Roosevelt, affordable health care for all Americans, has not changed. Tomorrow I pray that the poor and infirm of the United States will finally receive justice.

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Blogblast for Peace 2009

2009-11-05T00:01:00.008-05:00

The other night I had a deram that was filled with one song. I think that I was singing it with Pete Seeger's voice. I did nor know what the song in the dream was telling me, until I felt inspired to use it in this 2009 Blogblast ofr Peace post:

Turn, Turn, Turn

Words-adapted from The Bible, the book of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Music-Pete Seeger

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

Less than 24 hours until Blogbast for Peace

2009-11-04T04:40:00.004-05:00

Are ya ready for some Peace bloggin'?
Tomorrow's the day!

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

2009-11-02T01:00:00.001-05:00

My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

WISE (?) WORDS

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
~ William Dement
Every single time I come close to discovering the meaning of life, someone reboots the whole thing with a new operating system. ~ Robert Rouse
Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology. ~ Rebecca West
This is like deja vu all over again. ~ Yogi Berra
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. ~ Gore Vidal
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. ~ H. G. Wells
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte
Don't be so humble; you are not that great. ~Golda Meir (Prime Minister of Israel)to a visiting diplomat
Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer. ~ Saint Thomas Moore (1478-1535)
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. ~ Saint Augustine (354-430)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein

KATZ

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Halloween in The Woods

2009-10-31T00:01:00.001-04:00

There have been quite a few "scary" programs on TV this week. I've watched a few of them. A couple I even found of interest, such as those on the History Channel's Seven Nights of Fear. None of those programs frightened me.

Perhaps becuse it was all audio with no video to impose itself on the images my mind created, I found certain programs of the National Public Radio (NPR) series Halloween Tricks And Audio Treats a bit more blood curdling. (You may follow the link in the last sentence to listen to the programs and judge for yourself).

On this eve of All Hallows Even, I have been think of the most frightening Halloween that I ever experienced. It was 55 years ago, when I was eight years old.

The first ten years of my life were spent in a small cottage in the West End of Louisville, behind which was as area known to us either as "The Commons" or "The Woods." I have no idea to whom the tract of forest belonged. It was about one block long and a half block or so deep. For us kids, it was a grand play ground; I knew every path through it, even glade in it, and was on speaking terms with most of the trees.

For all of my familiarity with The Woods, I only entered it in daylight. There was something intimidating about The Woods when night fell. My bedroom window overlooked our back yard and beyond that, The Woods. At night I seldom looked out my window into The Woods. Strange and often scary sounds came from The Woods that, in summer with the window open to cool air, had me pulling the covers up over my head.

As an adult I now realize that most of those sounds were made by the night creatures, such as owls and a fox or two, whose homes were in The Woods. When I was eight years old, buried in my bed beneath my covers, my mind imagined more gruesome creatures beyond my bedroom window.

By the age of eight I was allowed to go Trick 'r Treating on my own at the two houses north of us and the six houses south of us, all on the same side of the street. For two of those visits I was saddled with-- accompanied by--my four-year-old sister. Being four, she quickly tired of all the walking. At least I convinced her that she was tired and that she wanted to go home and explore the treats in her bag. So I returned her to our house and headed back out to join with some of my peers in visiting the houses south of my house.

Of course, even with the neighbors complimenting each of us on our costume, Trick 'r Treating at a half dozen houses didn't take much time. When we finished, I still had at least half an hour before I was to be home. What could three costumed eight-year-olds do on Halloween night?

I believe it was JImmy, who was, at nine, the oldest of us Three Musketeers, who suggested that we explore The Woods. Since The Woods chiledl to the bone even when I was in bed with the covers pulled up over my head, I didn't think that exploring The Woods in the darkness of Halloween night was a very good idea. However, Jimmy had a flashlight and Roy Rogers pocket knife and I didn't want to be seen as a cowardly little kid, I accompanied Jimmy and our comrad into The Woods.

Since I knew every path in The Woods by heart, I found that our expedition wasn't as eerie as I had expected. Until--isn't there always an until?--we walked over a little knoll and the beam of Jimmy flashlight disclosed something (someone) white and waving in the branches of a tree in front of us. Jimmy screamed, turned and knocked me down was he retreated at full-speed back down the path.

Knocked on my back, I found myself alone in the darkness of The Woods, the white whatever fluttering in a tree a few yards from me. I don't remember getting to my feet; I do remember navigating the paths in The Woods as fast as I could run, until I came to the gate that led to my backyard.

I did not stop running until I was inside the house and in the brightly lighted living room where my mother, father, and sister were exploring the treats she had collected. It was then that I realized that I no longer had my Trick 'r Treat bag. And, that I really didn't care.

It was another two or three days before I again entered The Woods. It was daylight, of course, and my dog, Boo-Boo accompanied me. Secure that my dog could protect me from anything, I again climbed that little knoll. I looked up into the branches of that tree. Yes, I knew which tree it was because I was friends with all of the trees in The Woods. Nothing was there. No white, fluttering anything.

As Boo-Boo and I turned to go back down the path, I spotted my Trick 'r Treat bag on the ground. Not one piece of candy had fallen from it. So Boo-Boo and I made our way to my "secret place" in THe Woods, a very small glen that couldn't be seen from the path. There I ate enough candy to make me not interested in dinner.

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Friday Mishmash

2009-10-30T01:00:00.001-04:00

The Blog Blast for Peace is almost here!

Have you created your Peace Globe?

Sometimes Saintly Nick's 2009 Peace Globe

Alex's 2009 Peace Globe

Are you aware of the proposed International Megan's Law?

This is an issue that has concerned me for many years:

At the moment there is before Congress there is a bill that could make a real difference in the fight against the buying and selling and trafficking of innocent children.

This bill, International Megan's Law, would mandate reporting requirements for convicted sex traffickers trying to engage in international travel, and prevent entry into the U.S. by any foreign sex offender against a minor. There are convicted sex traffickers trying to engage in international travel, and preventing entry into the U.S. by any foreign sex offender against a minor. This bill could make a real difference in the fight against the buying and selling and trafficking of innocent children. In the U.S. and around the world, thousands of pimps, traffickers, and child molesters are treating our kids like objects to be used and discarded. This bill will send a loud and unambiguous message to those who believe they can buy, sell, and abuse our children with impunity: never again.

For more information and to express your support of International Megan's Law, click here: Help Stop Child Sex Traffiking

I may never get to wear this shirt-jacket again!

Alex has been using it as a bed ever since it's been hanging on that chair.

How 'bout dem Yanks!

The World Series is tied!

I love KATZ

Please?

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How 'Bout Dem Phillies!

2009-10-29T03:35:00.008-04:00

The fact is the Phils won this game -- and the Yankees didn't lose it. Cliff Lee just dominated. ~ mstinger55 at ESPN.com

The fact is that I am not the baseball fan that I once was. When I was a kid, I'd visit my Uncle Frank (Frankie Joe to me) and Aunt Alma (Abba to me) on most weekends. saturdays during baseball season would find me in their living room watch baseball on TV, as Dizzy Dean and Pee Wee Reese called the game.

Usually I'd fall asleep during a game (score: 0-0) and awaken in a later inning (score 8-7) after all of the action had taken place. That rather affirmed what my ex-wife said when we lived in St. Louis and went to see the Cardinals play baseball: "Baseball is a game that packs ten minutes of action into two hours."

Through the years I seem to have watched less and less baseball (and more and more football). The exception is always the World Series. I always watch the world series. So, tonight found me watching Game 1 of the 2009 Series and a stellar performance by Philadelphia pitcher Cliff Lee. I didn't even fall asleep during the game!

Tomorrow night I'll be watching Game 2 of the series. I may not write any more blogs about it (unless there is another such grand performance), but I'll be watching.

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

2009-10-26T00:01:00.004-04:00

My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.

Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? 'Was it good for you?' 'I don't remember'. 'It was three minutes ago!', 'Who are you?!?'.

Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life.

Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?

Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to
participate

Jeff Dunham: Sometimes [my wife] calls me the 'the Hurricane'.

Walter: The what??

Jeff Dunham: The Hurricane.

Walter: Oh yeah, I get it. Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster. You know, maybe she should call you FEMA. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

Walter: I could get a real job.

Jeff Dunham: What would you do?

Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.

Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?

Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.

KATZ

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Little Things

2009-10-24T13:00:00.014-04:00

Little things
Like a toy
Can give you
Joy

Little things
Like a germ
Can make you
Squirm

~ written by Sometimes Saintly Nick when in the 4th grade

This past week I have again discovered, as I must have when a 4th grader, that little things generally come to our attention when they make more than a little impact on our lives. For example:

This month my pantry became emptier than it has been in a very long time. There was very little in it, so I was able to see little things I had not noticed

I really enjoy Farina hot cereal, but had not eaten any in years, until a couple of weeks ago when I noticed this box in the back of my almost empty pantry. I have now emptied the box.

If I had money, I would have order a pizza for delivery. With no money, I created this meal from NutriSytem stuff. It satisfied me, but I really would have preferred a real pizza.

Thankfully I obtained my flu shot on Wednesday. Just a little pick that I hardly noticed…until my injected arm be again to ache, along with my joints and my head.

Speaking of those little, microscopic viruses that cause the flu, Kentucky has experienced its 10th H1N1 fatality and more are expected. So I am over-joyed that President Obama has proclaimed the H1N1 pandemic a National Emergency.

It’s just a little wine and a little bread, but partaking of the Eucharist is infinitesimal joy. I am aware that private Communion is frowned upon by most Christian denominations; however, I am alone, not yet healthy enough to worship in community, and I so missed the joy that I officiated the service and consecrated the elements for myself.

Actually, I suppose I was not alone. I really don’t believe that the God I know and serve would object to Alex being on the “table.”

I received the above little postcard on Thursday and, as promised, my cable TV reception disappeared on Friday. So, I followed the 3-step instructions on the back of the postcard and, sure enough, the reception came back… for about 3 minutes.

Six times I have repeated the 3-step instructions on the back of that postcard and six times I have had the same results: reception for about 3 minutes, then just static…lots of noisy static. It appears I must make another telephone call.

The following isn’t a little thing, it very big and hugely important:

Speak Softly with Authority While Breathing in Peace & Breathing Out Love

2009-10-21T14:40:00.007-04:00

You have the gift of gab today and everywhere you turn, the words continue to slip out. You are at your best when you are talking about your recent experiences, yet this isn't a time to rest on past achievements. Throw caution to the wind and open your mind as wide as possible before acknowledging that you can do anything you want.

The above was my horoscope yesterday. Do I believe in horoscopes? Well, uh, no, I don't. Do I trust horoscopes? Of course not. Then why do I read horoscopes? Well, uh...let me tell you a story, which you may already know if you read Nick's Bytes post on Monday:

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

So... even though I don't believe in horoscopes, I took that part about the gift of gab and decided to spend the day using my voice to solve some of the varied pickles that I seem to have recently found myself in. So.... I spent six hours on the phone with the following results:

My bank ended future $35 overdraft charges & refunded $43 from the last $105 of charges.
Direct-TV agreed to refund of the mistaken charge they took from account that led to that $105.00 overdraft charge. However, they refused to refund it to my VISA/debit card account and are issuing a check which they say won't reach me for 3-4 weeks.
After 3 phone calls (to India, I think) I convinced Salliemae to allow ME to control payments on my 22-year-old seminary student loan rather than their computer.
With the refunded $43 I was able to pay the $5 Medicare co-pay for a critical Rx that I have been out of for over a week

I am telling you this not to boast of my success, but to explain how I was able to do it. For all of my gift of gab, I have difficulty dealing with the minions of huge, capitalist corporations.I usually end up feeling as if I am (1) being talked down to, (2) discounted, and (3) treated as a thing rather than a human being. I also often feel oppressed, with all of the powerlessness that goes with oppression.

Phrases like the computer won't allow that, it is our policy, and that is not our problem usually have me seeing red and triggering in me the fight or flight response.

Yesterday I decided not to be manipulated. Thus, during each phone call I not only dialogued with the agent and presented my case, but I also paid attention to my breathing. With each in breath I thought Peace in; with each out breath I thought Love out.

It worked. It worked well. I did not feel intimidated to the point of giving up and running. I only came once close to forsaking peace for a yelling match. That was with the very nasty and inflexible woman at Direct-TV who was unable to say anything that wasn't in her script-book. So, I asked to speak to her supervisor, to which she replied (probably from the script) that the waiting time to speak with a supervisor was at least 45 minutes. Frustrated and close to losing my cool, I said to the woman, No, thank you. I promise you that I will, however, tell my blog readers of our conversation, mentioning, of course, Direct-TV. I just kept my promise.

Blessings, peace, and love to you, my friends.

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

2009-10-19T00:47:00.001-04:00

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." Henry Youngman
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'." Rita Rudner
"This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'" Judy Tenuta
"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." Jean Kerr
"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." Tim Allen
"I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags." Gwyneth Paltrow

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck.

Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."

Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

KATZ

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More Mishmash

2009-10-17T00:01:00.002-04:00

Play is the work of children. It's very serious stuff. ~ Bob Keeshan

ALEX

Alex again has allergic dermatitis, this time the hair on his tail and kitty cat butt have fallen out. No, I did not take any pictures of his tail and butt to share: that would be an embarassment for Alex.

We went to the vet yesterday (Friday). She diagnosed the hair loss as allergic dermatitis. Alex was not happy about the trip or the two shots he received. Dr. Caryl said that if Alex has not improved in a week, to bring him back. I pray the little fellow heals fast.

Alex has found a new nesting/napping spot: the bottom shelf of our kitchen cupboard. The first time I discovered that he was there, my caregiver had shut (and locked ) the door. I look all over the house for the furball! Then I opened the cupboard doors and there he was--napping. He wasn't the least concerned about being locked in. (Of course, when he decided he wanted a meal, that would have changed.

I wondered why my feline friend selected that new spot. Then I realized that the cupboard is dark, quiet, and warm (it's right next to the furnace floor register). It seems that Alex has a knack for finding the warmest places in this house.

BLOGS

I have been considering adding another blog to my publishing portfolio, a blog composed of old and new photos plus graphics that I have created through the years.

What do you think of the idea?

I also am thinking about deleting Nick's Splendid Blog Roll, the blog that I set up just to list my favorite blogs when I couldn't get Nick's Bytes' Excellent Blogs list to function. I've not posted to it in more than two years.

As much as I dislike doing it, I believe that it is time to remove the 23 blogs on my list of Excellent Blogs on Nick's Bytes sidebar that have not published in a year or so. To do so is like saying good-bye to very good friends.

FRIENDSHIP
This is a fabulous video on friendship:

John Brown's Body

2009-10-16T00:01:00.002-04:00

One hundred fifty years ago today, abolitionist John Brown led his small group on men to raid the United States Arsenal located at Harper's Ferry, Virginia (now located in West Virginia).

Brown planned to remove the weapons and ammunition from the arsenal and provide them to slaves in support of an uprising against slavery. It was ill-planned and turned into a fiasco. The first causality of the raid was Hayward Shepherd, an African-American freedman, who confronted the raiders and was shot and killed by them. Thus a freed slave became the first casualty of the raid.

The townspeople of Harper's Ferry took up arms again the raiders, who took shelter in in a small brick building, the engine house. By the end of the day, eight raiders were dead or dying; five others were cut off. Two had escaped across the river, an escape route subsequently blocked by militia.

On the morning of October 17, Brown and the remaining raiders found that they were surrounded by a company of U.S. Marines, under the command of Lt. Col. Robert E. Lee. (Yes, he was that Robert Edward Lee). Lee send A young lieutenant, J.E.B. Stuart (yes, that James Ewell Brown "Jeb" Stuart), under a white flag to inform Brown and his men that, if the raiders surrendered, their lives would be spared.

Brown refused, so the marines stormed the building and all were captured. Brown was tried and found guilty of treason against Virginia (note that he was not charged with treason against the United States). John Brown was hanged at Charleston on December 2, 1859.

The stately, fearless, unrepentant manner in which he comported himself in court and on the gallows made him a martyr in parts of the North. (Historical Times Encyclopedia of the Civil War. Edited by Patricia L. Faust)

A century and a half after these events, John Brown is still remembered. Was he crazy? Was he a prophet? Was he a villain? Was her a hero? Was he a martyr? Why did he not escape when he could? Why did he not surrender and save his own life? I don't have the answers to these questions.

Whereas, Slavery, throughout its entire existence in the United States is none other than a most barbarous, unprovoked, and unjustifiable War of one portion of its citizens upon another portion; the only conditions of which are perpetual imprisonment, and hopeless servitude or absolute extermination; in utter disregard and violation of those eternal and self-evident truths set forth in our Declaration of Independence. ~ John Brown at his trial, 1858

I want you to understand that I respect the rights of the poorest and weakest of colored people, oppressed by the slave system, just as much as I do those of the most wealthy and powerful. That is the idea that has moved me, and that alone. ~ John Brown at his trial, 1858

I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood. ~ John Brown's last letter, the day he was hanged. December 2, 1859

I do know that long before I read a biography of John Brown, I knew and sang this song about him:

John Brown's body lies a-mouldering in the grave,
John Brown's body lies a-mouldering in the grave,
But his soul goes marching on.

Chorus:
Glory, glory, hallelujah,
Glory, glory, hallelujah,
His soul goes marching on.

He's gone to be a soldier in the Army of the Lord,
He's gone to be a soldier in the Army of the Lord,
His soul goes marching on.
Chorus:

John Brown's knapsack is strapped upon his back,
John Brown's knapsack is strapped upon his back,
His soul goes marching on.
Chorus:

John Brown died that the slaves might be free,
John Brown died that the slaves might be free,
His soul goes marching on.
Chorus:

The stars above in Heaven now are looking kindly down,
The stars above in Heaven now are looking kindly down,
His soul goes marching on.
Chorus:

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Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change

2009-10-15T00:01:00.004-04:00

Blog Action Day is an annual event that unites the world's bloggers in posting about the same issue on the same day. Our aim is to raise awareness and trigger a global discussion.

From the smallest online journals to huge online magazines, Blog Action Day is about mass participation. Anyone is free to join in on Blog Action Day and there is no limit on the number of posts, the type of posts or the direction of thoughts and opinions.

Today Nick's Bytes is participating in Blog Action Day because I regard climate change as one of the greatest threats to planet earth, second only to nuclear war.

This December world leaders will gather in Copenhagen to negotiate a global response to climate change. As a world leader in greenhouse gas pollution as well as clean energy technology, the United States needs to take bold and urgent action by implementing comprehensive clean energy policies to curb emissions.

Nobel Peace Prize Winner and President Barack Obama has said that climate change is an urgent threat, and now is the time for him to lead the United States in confronting climate crisis.

This is a chance for people around the world and in the United States to join together in telling President Obama that we want him to lead the United States in taking bold and significant action to reduce greenhouse gasses.

Earth Portal: Year of Science

Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change Partners

RESOURCES FOR ACTION:

Sign the Tck Tck Tck campaign's "I am ready" pledge supporting an ambitious, fair and binding climate agreement in Copenhagen this fall: tcktcktck.org/people/i-am-ready
Register for the 350.org International Day of Climate Action October 24: www.350.org
Join the UK Government's "Act on Copenhagen" effort to promote a global deal on climate change: www.actoncopenhagen.decc.gov.uk/en
Learn and act with The Nature Conservancy's Planet Change site:change.nature.org
Watch and help promote Current TV's green-themed video journalism at:current.com/green
Support strong climate legislation in the US by making calls to your Senators with 1Sky: tools.advomatic.com/13/calls
Put yourself on the Vote Earth map and upload your photos, pictures and weblinks to show the world future you want to see: www.earthhour.org/home
Join the Greenpeace cool IT challenge campaign to turn IT industry leaders into climate advocates and solution providers: www.greenpeace.org/international/campaigns/climate-change/cool-it-challenge
Add your personal story and tell the world what you will miss the most when you lose it to climate change with the United Nations Foundation Climate Board: www.unfoundation.org/global-issues/climate-and-energy/its-getting-personal
Find the latest and most popular climate change actions online at globalwarming.change.org
Join the Causecast community and find new ways to get involved with organizations working to end climate change. Watch videos, read news and support one of the many environmental nonprofits on Causcast.www.causecast.org/environment

I Was Going to, But I Didn't

2009-10-13T13:55:00.014-04:00

Last week I wrote in the comments of my Friday blog post that today (Tuesday) I would post more about my views regarding President Barack Obama becoming a Nobel Peace Prize Laurette. I've made several attempts to write such a post, but trashed (deleted) each.

The deletions were not because I have lost the pride I feel as an American in the awarding of the Nobel to my President. I remain very proud! Rather, I deleted what I wrote because, as I read each draft, I found that what I was saying was not only ethnocentric, but also pejorative towards those who had a different opinion of the Nobel award.

I believe that each of us has a right to our own opinions. More than that, in democratic societies we each have the obligation to have opinions and to share them with others. Therefore, I accept and celebrate whatever your opinion is of President Barack Obama becoming a Novel Peace Prize Laurette

That said, let me move on to something more personal that I am celebrating'

Yesterday afternoon I posted on FaceBook these words:

My physical therapist just left. Today I achieved my goal of walking down the street and around the corner to the coffee house and back!

The two series of physical physical therapy that I have undergone in the past few months have not only renewed my ability to walk a couple of blocks, but have also reopened a part of life that has been closed much too long. I am very thankful to the physical therapists, Jo and Robert!

Robert, my last physical therapist

Jo, my first physical therapist

I began weightlifting, which became body building, with a set of weights that I received for Christmas when I was 13-years-old. By the time I was 15-years-old I was developing into a, uh, hunk. (I have tried to locate a photo of myself from that period, but could find none. I believe that they are in boxes of photos that my ex-wife borrowed about 11 or so years ago).

I continued exercise discipline until midway through my university years when other pursuits (including pursuing) took priority. Through the years there have been periods in my life when exercise was important; however, there were others when I didn't even think about it.

As most of you know, about six or so years ago I fell apart-- physically, spiritually, socially, mentally, financially, and emotionally. I am not going into the details (if you scan through the 1,330 posts in this blog, you will be able to piece together most of the story).

I have been healing slowly over the past six years. These sessions of physical therapy have been primary in that process. I am doing things today that I could not do just a few months ago. Yesterday's walk was not only the achievement of a goal, but a renewal! This morning I again walked up the street to Frankfort Avenue and its little shops. Tomorrow I plan to do the same.

I may never again be the hunk I was 48 years ago, but think I am becoming a functioning senior citizen!

My Schwinn Airdyne has also become a part of my exercise routine.

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

2009-10-12T00:06:00.001-04:00

"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."

More Weird Thoughts

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. [OH yes! Guaranteed!]
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay jewelry.

During a practical exercise at a police academy, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

Friday night I attended a fish fry at the local Catholic monastery. As I walked down the line, having fish and French fried potatoes piled high on my plate, I said to one of the servers, “This smells so good that I can hardly wait to begin eating.”

The server replied, “Thank you, sir. I appreciated your compliment, for I am the fish friar.”

I repeated my words to the next server and asked, “Are you a fish friar, too?”

The server replied, “No, sir. I am a chip monk.”

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low grows emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw bloodstained Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ****ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b*****r's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1) Wrap it in bacon....

KATZ

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Sunday Stuff

2009-10-11T08:58:00.014-04:00

Today I pray for:

The Victims of Female Circumcision

Children in U.S. prisons

The People of Afghanistan

The People of Pakistan

I pray for them; God forgive me if I do no more than pray for them.

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A Saturday Morning Thought

2009-10-10T08:41:00.002-04:00

Morgan MacDonald, sculptor
please visit his website: MORGAN SCULPT

I had not planned on creating a blog post today, but I had this thought a few minutes ago and want to share it:

Being a peacemaker is not the same as being a pacifist.

Patrick Henry put it this way:

Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace--but there is no peace. The war is actually begun!... What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

I plan to post more on this subject next Tuesday.

Bless You, Mr. President!

2009-10-09T09:48:00.010-04:00

President Obama at the United Nations

I wonder what it must be like to be awakened from one's sleep and informed that you have become a Nobel Peace Prize Laurette? I shall never know; however, President Barack Obama now knows. Wonderful news!

In the brief time since I awoke to the BBC informing me of President Obama's honor, I have already encountered several complainers (on radio, TV, and Internet) questioning why our President deserved the honor. I suppose that is to be expected: there are those who will never see anything good or honorable in an African-American President.

Without going into detail, I can list these reasons why I believe that President Barack Obama is sdeserving of being named a Nobel Peace Prize Laurette:

In less than a year, he has begun to change the image that the world has had since the Bush administration of the United States being a bully to being a friend.
His administration has been willing to negotiate rather than threaten.
He has moved toward healing rather than increased conflict and division.
He has addressed the important issue of climate change which the Bush administration refused to do.
And lastly, I personally see President Barack Obama as a peacemaker.

God bless you, Mr. President!
And, of course, congratulations.

Wednesday Mishmash

2009-10-07T00:01:00.004-04:00

October 15 is Blog Action Day 2009

Reminder: October is NATIONAL BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH

http://www.nbcam.org/index.cfm

This guy really impresses me!

Bret Farve

What is all of the hubbub over Dave Letterman?

I didn't watch the show.

My new regime of physical therapy is doing great things for me. I still need oxygen to breath, but my leg(s) are getting stronger to the point that I can walk (slowly) a block without my leg giving out. That's a wonderful improvement.

A cat napping between me and the computer rather hampers my ability to write blogs.

Speaking of Alex, yesterday very a cold rain was falling. Also outside was Alex the furball who dislikes both cold and water. I was worried about him, so I opened the door and called the cat, expecting to see him madly scamper home from from whatever bolthole he'd found. Then I looked down and saw a very serene Alex, dry and curled up on the porch, watching the rain fall. Sometimes (often) Alex amazes me.

Alex has completed his 2009 Peace Globe:

November 5, 2009

The Peace Globe Gallery

Have you created your Peace Globe?

This is a really neat little video: GoD and DoG. I also suggest that you explore the creator of the video's website: Andie's Isle. I found both to be delightful!

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Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor)

2009-10-05T00:01:00.002-04:00

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Every Las Vegas casino has specially designed chips made just for them. These are often very artistic and made in a way to not be counterfeited. The chips are designed and made, interestingly enough, by a Nevada monastery where the monks produce the chips. The chips are designed by Brother Patrick O'Leary, who serves as the chip monk.

A fish swam into a wall. "Dam!"

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

One pickle looked at another pickle in seeming distress and asked, 'So what's the big dill?' An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

? I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
? Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
? I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
? The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
? Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
? There is a great need for sarcasm font.
? Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
? How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
? I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
? A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
? Was learning cursive really necessary?
? Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
? I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
? Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
? My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
? Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
? How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
? I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
? MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
? Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
? I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
? Bad decisions make good stories
? Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
? Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
? Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
? You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
? Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
? I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
? While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
? I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
? I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
? Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
? It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
? I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
? Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. ? Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
? It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
? The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard just before dinner...

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

“Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

KATZ

Please remember to Click for Nick (and, of course, Alex)

Sunday Stuff

2009-10-04T01:58:00.004-04:00

In my thoughts and prayers this Sunday are:

the people of Indonesia
the people of Sumatra
the family & friends of Derrion Albert
those whose lives have been sacrificed to the god of war
the 1 in 6 people of the world who do not eat enough food to be healthy
those who are homeless
those who are ill
those who live in poverty
those who are only fooling themselves

I pray for them; God forgive me if I do no more than pray for them.

A Desperate Action

2009-10-03T12:25:00.011-04:00

Desperate affairs require desperate remedies. ~ Horatio Nelson

As my experiences as an insurance agent and attempting to operate my own online wholesale business have proved, I am a lousy businessperson. However, sometimes desperation requires that on try one more time.

Yesterday I paid all of this month's bills. As I entered my gas and electric company payment, Quicken informed me that paying this bill would exceed my monthly budget.

These days I find that my body begins to shake and I feel like crying as I pay bills. My pension and Social Security just do not cover my expenses any more. I have reduced expenses as much as possible, so I need to increase income. That isn't easily done when one is basically home-bound.

So today I moved my Amazon.com and Google Adsense ads from the bottom of my side bar to the top of the sidebar and I added a Google Adsense ad below my blog post. I don't believe that your click will solve my financial problems; however, with an average of over 4,000 visits to Nick's Bytes a month, I don't know how much income they will produce. However, I home it will help at least a bit.

So...

P.S. ~ If you have any other ideas for increasing my income, please may a suggestion!

Nick's Bytes

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Light

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow: the Work for Justice & Peace Continues

Blogblast for Peace 2009

Less than 24 hours until Blogbast for Peace

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Halloween in The Woods

Friday Mishmash

How 'Bout Dem Phillies!

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

Little Things

Speak Softly with Authority While Breathing in Peace & Breathing Out Love

My bank ended future $35 overdraft charges & refunded $43 from the last $105 of charges.

Direct-TV agreed to refund of the mistaken charge they took from account that led to that $105.00 overdraft charge. However, they refused to refund it to my VISA/debit card account and are issuing a check which they say won't reach me for 3-4 weeks.

After 3 phone calls (to India, I think) I convinced Salliemae to allow ME to control payments on my 22-year-old seminary student loan rather than their computer.

With the refunded $43 I was able to pay the $5 Medicare co-pay for a critical Rx that I have been out of for over a week

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

More Mishmash

John Brown's Body

Blog Action Day 2009: Climate Change

I Was Going to, But I Didn't

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

Sunday Stuff

A Saturday Morning Thought

Bless You, Mr. President!

Wednesday Mishmash

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor)

Sunday Stuff

A Desperate Action

Yesterday I paid all of this month's bills. As I entered my gas and electric company payment, Quicken informed me that paying this bill would exceed my monthly budget.

These days I find that my body begins to shake and I feel like crying as I pay bills. My pension and Social Security just do not cover my expenses any more. I have reduced expenses as much as possible, so I need to increase income. That isn't easily done when one is basically home-bound.