tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-127097232024-03-07T18:13:48.722-05:00Nick's Bytes"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow! What a Ride!"
~ Hunter S. ThompsonAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.comBlogger2239125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-11211448985695228132016-01-11T22:15:00.000-05:002016-01-11T22:15:12.133-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sometimes Saintly Nick hasn't been feeling well recently. He spent most of today at hospital having test run. As you know, he has<a href="http://saintnicksbytes.blogspot.com/2015/08/from-coma-to-cancer.html" target="_blank"> cancer</a> and the tests are to determine how far it has spread. Still, he wants you to enjoy these laughs that he created this evening.</span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sometimes Saintly Nick</span></span></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #b45f06;">Nine things dogs don't understand</span><br /><br />1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.<br /><br />2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.<br /><br />3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.<br /><br />4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.<br /><br />5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid<br /><br />6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk<br /><br />7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.<br /><br />8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.<br /><br />9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #f1c232;">A blonde</span> goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.<br /><br />The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.<br /><br />The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.<br /><br />Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.<br /><br />Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.<br /><br />To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.<br /><br />The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"<br /><br />The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #674ea7;">A cat's dictionary</span></b><br /><br />Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.<br /><br />Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.<br /><br />Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.<br /><br />Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.<br /><br />Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.<br /><br />Purrson: A male kitty.<br /><br />Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"> Zek and Luke</span> went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.<br /><br />The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?<br /><br />About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.<br /><br />"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"<br /><br />Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #741b47;">The two thousand member</span> Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.<br /><br />One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.<br /><br />The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"<br /><br />Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.<br /><br />After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.<br /><br />The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."<br /><br /> </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span></span><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">KATZ KITTENS</span></span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-62262563422915993882016-01-08T00:03:00.002-05:002016-01-08T00:42:51.926-05:00Friday Funnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Welcome to</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">ENJOY THE LAUGHS</span></span></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP_XW_hDp11zg5pwoj_F0Jigiv3WVctNXjwFRB3P8PiJJiRcE-VdmXUrMuwI1rKyVEDsiftByswI9iwIdFA1zc2ZpG8zVRXvuuVocf7yf32Br7oq1e7PlWSTPgzB_nptaL4ar3SQ/s1600/01-07-16-death-star-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP_XW_hDp11zg5pwoj_F0Jigiv3WVctNXjwFRB3P8PiJJiRcE-VdmXUrMuwI1rKyVEDsiftByswI9iwIdFA1zc2ZpG8zVRXvuuVocf7yf32Br7oq1e7PlWSTPgzB_nptaL4ar3SQ/s400/01-07-16-death-star-600.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Since they didn't buy the H-bomb thing, do you think that they'll buy this?</span></span></i></td></tr>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">For more laughs, Sometimes Saintly Nick recommends:</span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-11608561170492265522016-01-04T00:09:00.000-05:002016-01-04T00:17:49.676-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">ENJOY</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Three guys</b></span> stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> The second guy wishes the same. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.</span>’<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">1. <b><span style="color: orange;">What’s the difference between</span> a G-spot and a golf ball?</b><br />A guy will actually search for a golf ball.<br /><br />2. <b>What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?</b><br />Beat it. We’re closed.<br /><br />3. <b>What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?</b>Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.<br /><br />4. <b>What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?</b><br />One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.<br /><br />5. W<b>hy does Santa Claus have such a big sack?</b><br />He only comes once a year.<br /><br />6. <b>What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?</b><br />A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">7. <b>What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?</b><br />One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.<br /><br />8. <b>What did the banana say to the vibrator?</b>Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!<br /><br />9. <b>Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?</b><br />Because his wife died.<br /><br />10. <b>What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?</b><br />You can unscrew a lightbulb</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>A guy is sitting at home </b></span>when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><b>It’s the World Cup Final</b></span>, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….but couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Sid and Irv are business partners</b></span>. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Irv replies, ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b>A young boy</b></span> enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’ </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc05PO9_1xUpojnacIbPrQAKoh6rxYEajIVYZykyuBYUvjjZpFBdYAygTHUF3I8OY3vLYcaJQx7mTHwVjv9L9YUw1dG5WQMrYJLlhorvC2ph0kthvntQz-38T0_m2Db8ygJbmBCw/s1600/dog43.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="305" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc05PO9_1xUpojnacIbPrQAKoh6rxYEajIVYZykyuBYUvjjZpFBdYAygTHUF3I8OY3vLYcaJQx7mTHwVjv9L9YUw1dG5WQMrYJLlhorvC2ph0kthvntQz-38T0_m2Db8ygJbmBCw/s400/dog43.gif" width="400" /> </a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #674ea7;"><b>A guy dies </b></span>and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Satan says OK and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’ </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">KATZ</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh75R_sfNHojbRVNizTaTSWHli_4TtiVob39qFP3VjhgD9j5XYibkZ_ei77eCY1IUPerk0E_2pdNigqAEVOWL3RJniLhfLZI7zjpdFCX5LAOlJdFvJVvWa5cU4H56S_3h-6qDeKEA/s1600/coffee-01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh75R_sfNHojbRVNizTaTSWHli_4TtiVob39qFP3VjhgD9j5XYibkZ_ei77eCY1IUPerk0E_2pdNigqAEVOWL3RJniLhfLZI7zjpdFCX5LAOlJdFvJVvWa5cU4H56S_3h-6qDeKEA/s400/coffee-01.jpg" width="400" /> </a></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-23231190880999424012016-01-02T15:42:00.005-05:002016-01-02T15:42:52.754-05:00Graphic Wisdom to Begin 2016<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: blue;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">By three methods we may learn wisdom: </span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">First, by reflection, which is noblest; </span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Second, by imitation, which is easiest; </span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">and third by experience, which is the bitterest.</span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">~ Confucius</span></span></span><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></span></i></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Does your mind and soul yearn for more wisdom?</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Sometimes Saintly Nick recommends these books:</span></span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-52443127855345492092016-01-01T14:45:00.001-05:002016-01-01T14:45:32.950-05:00First Friday Funnies of 2016<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-41652833354343955972015-12-28T02:30:00.000-05:002015-12-28T02:30:02.316-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be Prepared. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> A young woman got lost driving in a New England snowstorm. A snowplow passed, so she started following it. After 30 minutes, the plow stopped, and the driver asked what she was doing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">“My father always told me that if I got lost in a snowstorm, I should follow a plow,” the woman said. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">“Oh,” the driver replied. “Well, I’m almost done with this parking lot. If you want, you can follow me over to the next one.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"> KATZ</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8c7tEd5hyXjui4m22-VZ0Aw2RF-C71D6RiTh72chku43xihVK-nmGN6KFYWWscg9NV6tvz0DA2W2aigjsTltnkyZII2qOU3Vxk-zQoBHVUJzi5kNEEDyXCf01y4wpbU6J-TqE8A/s1600/snow-fight-funny-cat-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8c7tEd5hyXjui4m22-VZ0Aw2RF-C71D6RiTh72chku43xihVK-nmGN6KFYWWscg9NV6tvz0DA2W2aigjsTltnkyZII2qOU3Vxk-zQoBHVUJzi5kNEEDyXCf01y4wpbU6J-TqE8A/s400/snow-fight-funny-cat-meme.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-34951344108420023032015-12-25T09:17:00.002-05:002015-12-25T09:17:44.339-05:00Merry Christmas + Friday Funnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Twas the morning of Christmas and all through the apartment,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Not a critter was stirring...</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO4k290ABzhG5v8MmSUNFx_u6tM-oTAWhDo3b3dYHQgPUJwvALYKy-OdPVETf0NsPCCfcFDdPas7uZpofhlmbShrptYPU2XQ6Ex638SMNbKMV6xsNdeVR-jQO6GUEDGIKAyH-JYw/s1600/2015+06+09+ALEX+NAPPING+ON+MAIL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO4k290ABzhG5v8MmSUNFx_u6tM-oTAWhDo3b3dYHQgPUJwvALYKy-OdPVETf0NsPCCfcFDdPas7uZpofhlmbShrptYPU2XQ6Ex638SMNbKMV6xsNdeVR-jQO6GUEDGIKAyH-JYw/s400/2015+06+09+ALEX+NAPPING+ON+MAIL.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">ALEX</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHY2x5qbde2dwnzcHS5ugWIv8XUnfWG7zbH1ImwXig-e-MKNI4ame8rd7LE0T2JDJFJksoHMmgH_06H-yVMD3xl57wXgZqoOpWmvYKd6nXsf1_aLYCR7CEo1rEIfRNcoccwGxqRA/s1600/SLEEPING+MIDNIGHT.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHY2x5qbde2dwnzcHS5ugWIv8XUnfWG7zbH1ImwXig-e-MKNI4ame8rd7LE0T2JDJFJksoHMmgH_06H-yVMD3xl57wXgZqoOpWmvYKd6nXsf1_aLYCR7CEo1rEIfRNcoccwGxqRA/s400/SLEEPING+MIDNIGHT.jpg" width="383" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">MIDNIGHT</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuWhFpIq4_y3tyLZfNxJZFls4XZ1T_O4mFMf-4wEamosec5Vq0VWW1md41SZJSlc1RlzXTz0kS7lpG9pu1UEeoPW6POJZ6AS2jq5_fVSCHcZYD3_IyVJvbf7Njr7KORmRl-PlA2g/s1600/SLEEPING+HALEY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="377" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuWhFpIq4_y3tyLZfNxJZFls4XZ1T_O4mFMf-4wEamosec5Vq0VWW1md41SZJSlc1RlzXTz0kS7lpG9pu1UEeoPW6POJZ6AS2jq5_fVSCHcZYD3_IyVJvbf7Njr7KORmRl-PlA2g/s400/SLEEPING+HALEY.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">HALEY</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Not even Frankie the rat</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPRDhIMCiFllpbi2DN3jOLXn8k2qvTQra69HPj3nivf2lpZYwTENHh5O5tbQOW0-8PeVb-w1i3nWbFHGpewo4LptRm7fxofVImWx1DI1K89H9XA0hK7uykOcj_Sj83ZWLfbL2gkw/s1600/FRANKIE+IN+MY+SHIRT+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPRDhIMCiFllpbi2DN3jOLXn8k2qvTQra69HPj3nivf2lpZYwTENHh5O5tbQOW0-8PeVb-w1i3nWbFHGpewo4LptRm7fxofVImWx1DI1K89H9XA0hK7uykOcj_Sj83ZWLfbL2gkw/s400/FRANKIE+IN+MY+SHIRT+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">FRANKIE</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The kitty-kids stocking was hung on the bookcase with care</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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hopes that Sometimes Saintly Nicholas soon would be there.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">I made this video for Christmas 2008 and have been posting it each year since. The music is Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing <i>Peace on Earth/The Little Drummer Boy. </i>The images are from 2008 posts of <i>Nick's Bytes</i>.</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-49493830569600413732015-12-21T01:21:00.000-05:002015-12-21T01:21:15.780-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><b>On Christmas morning</b></span> a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.<br /><br />The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"<br /><br />The kid says, "Yeah."<br /><br />The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."<br /><br />The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.<br /><br />The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"<br /><br />Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."<br /><br />The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: magenta;"><b> A little nine year old girl</b></span> was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.<br /><br />"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"<br /><br />"No" her mother replied.<br /><br />"Well, I think I have to throw up!"<br /><br />"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."<br /><br />In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.<br /><br />"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.<br /><br />"Yes" the little girl replied.<br /><br />"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"<br /><br />"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Dearest Dave,</b></span><br /><br />I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!<br /><br />With truly the deepest love,<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 15, 2003<br /><br />Dearest Dave,<br /><br />Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.<br /><br />With all of my love,<br />Your Agnes<br /><br />December 16, 2003<br /><br />Dearest Dave,<br /><br />You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.<br /><br />Love,<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 17, 2003<br /><br />Dear Dave,<br /><br />Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.<br /><br />Affectionately,<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 18, 2003<br /><br />Dearest darling Dave,<br /><br />It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!<br /><br />All my love,<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 19, 2003<br /><br />Dear Dave,<br /><br />When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.<br /><br />Cordially,<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 20, 2003<br /><br />Dave,<br /><br />What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 21, 2003<br /><br />O.K. wise guy,<br /><br />The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!<br /><br />Agnes<br /><br />December 22, 2003<br /><br />Hey loser,<br /><br />What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!<br /><br />You'll get yours!<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 23, 2003<br /><br />You rotten scum!!!<br /><br />There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!<br /><br />One who means it!<br /><br />December 24, 2003<br /><br />Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!<br /><br />What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!<br /><br />Your sworn enemy,<br />Agnes<br /><br />December 25, 2003<br /><br />The Law Offices of<br />Badger, Rees, and Yorker<br />20 Knave Street<br />Chicago, Illinois<br /><br />Dear sir,<br /><br />This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.<br /><br />Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.<br /><br />Cordially,<br />Badger, Rees, and Yorker</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> <span style="color: #bf9000;"><b>To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town</b></span><br /><br />Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,<br />You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,<br />Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.<br /><br />He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,<br />I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,<br />Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,<br /><br />He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black<br />And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.<br />Sooooooo....<br /><br />You better not pout, you better not cry,<br />I don't like that look in his eye,<br />Daddy's home and I think he's....<br />Daddy's home and boy is he.......<br />Daddy's home and he's really drunk! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: #a64d79;"><b>The Night Before Christmas for an Attorney</b></span><br /><br />Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival,throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and<br /><br />Snowman Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and<br /><br />Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and<br /><br />Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and<br /><br />Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and<br /><br />Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and<br /><br />Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:<br /><br />"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and<br /><br />Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.<br /><br />Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Australian Christmas Carols</b></span><br /><br />Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,<br />Sweating his fat away<br />Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,<br />Water-skis on his sleigh<br /><br />Never have a white Christmas<br />When you in Melbourne live<br />Wearing hot pants on the beach<br />When you your presents give<br /><br />Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk<br />Castles in the sand<br />Eating ice-cream, having good talks<br />Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-36378131406014416942015-12-18T00:01:00.000-05:002015-12-18T00:01:03.551-05:00Friday Funnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sometimes Saintly Nick recommends:</span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-12835329342848524952015-12-14T03:20:00.000-05:002015-12-14T03:41:46.690-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> <span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;">Once upon a time, they said...</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." ~<b> Phyllis Diller</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b> </b><br />“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” ~ <b>Johnny Carson</b><br /><br />"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." (On Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays") ~ <b>Jon Stewart</b><br /><br />"I love my family but my family -- they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play -- I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'" ~ <b>Wanda Sykes</b><br /><br />"Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!" ~ <b>Lewis Black</b><br /><br />"I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'" ~ <b>Marc Maron</b><br /><br />"My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?" ~<b> Laura Kightlinger</b><br /><br />"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it." ~ <b>Demetri Martin</b><br /><br />"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~<b> George Carlin</b><br /><br />"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." ~ <b>Jay Leno</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>A Jewish father </b></span>was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.<br /><br />"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"<br /><br />The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian."<br /><br />"What did you do?" asked the man of the rabbi.<br /><br />"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.<br /><br />"What did he say?" asked the man.<br /><br />He said, "Funny you should come to me..."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #b45f06;"><b>Two kids are</b></span> in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for?"<br /><br />The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little nervous."<br /><br />The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."<br /><br />The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"<br /><br />The first kids says, "a circumcision."<br /><br />The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #7f6000;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">7. Use as railroad ties. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">4. Use instead of cement shoes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">3. Save for next summer's garage sale. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">1. Two words: <i>pin cushion.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #f1c232;"><b>The blonde </b></span>driving her car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><b>It was slightly </b></span>before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(pause) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"That's not why it's there." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(pause) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/1TRR8MWn4gE/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/1TRR8MWn4gE?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">KATZ </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here are some cool (and cheap) Christmas gifts recommended by Sometimes Saintly Nick</span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-44483498057996971232015-12-11T12:51:00.000-05:002015-12-13T22:06:09.242-05:00Friday Funnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Please enjoy Sometimes Saintly Nick's</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">FRIDAY FUNNIES</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">with Roger and ME </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here are some cool (and cheap) Christmas gifts recommended by Sometimes Saintly Nick</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND! </span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-72425564415602813552015-12-08T12:42:00.002-05:002015-12-08T12:42:35.728-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor and KATZ on Tuesday<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Here is a Santa Claus</b></span> story: Old St. Nick was quite ill. Plus,
Rudolph had a severe cold which hampered the reindeer’s ability to guide Santa’s
sleigh. And, the elves and organize themselves into a union and were on strike.
Add to that, Ms. Claus was suffering from PMS and being especially bitchy. In
the midst of all these troubles, an Angel came in to the workshop and asked, “Santa,
where do you want me to stick this Christmas tree?” And that, my dear friends, is
why we have Angels on top of Christmas trees.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Three businessmen</b></span> on a plane. First guy says, "That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man." <br /><br />Second guy says, "Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale." <br /><br />First guy says, "Yes, I am a Yale man." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">They both look at the third guy, and they say, "You must have gone to University of Kentucky.".<br /><br />Third guy says, "Why yes, I did. How could you tell?" <br /><br />"We saw your class ring when you picked your nose."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b> It got cold</b></span> in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, "We are open but we are clothed".<br /><br />There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.<br /><br />They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.<br /><br />So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, "Hi Father." He said, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "I'm Sister Catherine, remember?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><b> Pablo Picasso </b></span>surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password</span></span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."<br /><br />8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.<br /><br />7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.<br /><br />6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.<br /><br />5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."<br /><br />4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.<br /><br />3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.<br /><br />2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.<br /><br />and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...<br /><br />1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post. </span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">KATZ </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;">Below are some really fun (<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">and</span> cheap) gifts </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;">recommended by Sometimes Saintly Nick </span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-32618951806018348452015-12-07T12:49:00.000-05:002015-12-07T12:49:47.693-05:00Too Many "Infamous" Days<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">in•fa•mous</span><br />ˈinfəməs/ <br />adjective<br /><br />well known for some bad quality or deed.<br />"an infamous war criminal"<br />wicked; abominable.<br />"the medical council disqualified him for infamous misconduct"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">There have been far too
many <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">days of infamy</i> in my lifetime.
The attack on Pearl Harbor occurred five years
before my birth. Yet, since my birth, there have been genocides, wars, unjust
executions, terrorist attacks, mass killings, police brutality, etc. Each of
these of events have been, to me, infamous:</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-89330914095449468522015-12-06T00:25:00.001-05:002015-12-06T00:25:39.707-05:00Thoughts on the Second Sunday of Advent<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The candle of peace is lighted on the Second Sunday of Advent.
This old world of ours has not experienced peace in a very long time. The evils
perpetuated by terrorists—and would-be terrorists—have driven the idea of peace
from many people’s minds. With new shootings and bombings being the headlines
day after day, I wonder if we can ever have peace.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For a while, the Spirit of Christmas was not with me.
However, with my illnesses of the last few days and the many illnesses I carry
in my body, the thought came to me that this Christmas of 2015 may be my last
Christmas so I’ve decided not to allow anything to prevent me from celebrating
Advent and Christmas season.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://saintnicksbytes.blogspot.com/2015/07/it-began-on-april-12th.html" target="_blank">April 12<sup>th</sup></a> and </span><a href="http://saintnicksbytes.blogspot.com/2015/08/from-coma-to-cancer.html" target="_blank">all that I’ve been through since</a>
I no longer look like St. Nicholas. However, I believe that the Spirit remains
with me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">This hymn, sung by me with a simple guitar accompaniment, has been part of my Christmas Eve services for years. </span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In the bleak midwinter, frosty
wind made moan,</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Earth stood hard as iron, water
like a stone;</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Snow had fallen, snow on snow,
snow on snow,</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In the bleak midwinter, long
ago.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Our God, Heaven cannot hold Him,
nor earth sustain;</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Heaven and earth shall flee away
when He comes to reign.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">In the bleak midwinter a stable
place sufficed</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Enough for Him, whom cherubim,
worship night and day,</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Breastful of milk, and a
mangerful of hay;</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Enough for Him, whom angels fall
before,</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The ox and ass and camel which
adore.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Angels and archangels may have
gathered there,</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Cherubim and seraphim thronged
the air;</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">But His mother only, in her
maiden bliss,</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Worshipped the beloved with a
kiss.</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: -12.0pt;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">What can I give Him, poor as I
am?</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If I were a shepherd, I would
bring a lamb;</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">If I were a Wise Man, I would do
my part;</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Yet what I can I give Him: give
my heart.</span></i></div>
</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;">The light of the Christmas star to you,<br />The warmth of home and hearth to you,<br />The cheer and good will of friends to you,<br />The hope of a childlike heart to you,<br />The joy of a thousand angels to you,<br />The love of the Son,<br />And God’s peace to you.</span></span><br />~ a Celtic blessing</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-91076801632561215302015-11-30T13:29:00.000-05:002015-12-07T19:47:54.700-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrlAlzRD0WBC_DUaGf9NUa4CF7HJ-fjku3bNj23SN8k3vulBuKeIvK0PbG-q6xboxBjOLD-WPg2ELQcIBFbvGFBEQeTqjJ1TfP6DFLsw9mD7jlWppzu9ycgGjlGI7Q2KASB8qB/s1600-h/_img_garfield_monday1.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5137141758931042514" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrlAlzRD0WBC_DUaGf9NUa4CF7HJ-fjku3bNj23SN8k3vulBuKeIvK0PbG-q6xboxBjOLD-WPg2ELQcIBFbvGFBEQeTqjJ1TfP6DFLsw9mD7jlWppzu9ycgGjlGI7Q2KASB8qB/s400/_img_garfield_monday1.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 251px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 336px;" /></a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: rgb(0 , 0 , 153); font-size: 180%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">I</span> </span></span>was
having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy,
to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."`</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"No," I replied.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So I wrote down: <u>I</u> <u>D</u> <u>1 0</u> <u>T</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzB6FR4hE0EjmR_OMph625f7CfhkVx3exGnFd-bJ_CfnpTOK-86gowuPjka9E8v6nrak8mlvANfCNoKe4VuqR0X-EMQnogb_7hVKeBrsX36dJvjXTVfW6Pu9q81EfQf6cXEvaN/s1600-h/oo1+from+T+K.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5137141140455751874" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzB6FR4hE0EjmR_OMph625f7CfhkVx3exGnFd-bJ_CfnpTOK-86gowuPjka9E8v6nrak8mlvANfCNoKe4VuqR0X-EMQnogb_7hVKeBrsX36dJvjXTVfW6Pu9q81EfQf6cXEvaN/s400/oo1+from+T+K.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: orange;"><span style="color: rgb(153 , 51 , 153); font-size: 180%; font-weight: bold;">O</span></span>ne Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQl5FtaDg_cfW-APVIJPv7E3wydX6Ygbs1CIWIlGbwRVOkwDRmhAfRsQYZGjKjVkhXJRK7VKr3n8yoyfCwTgIEfo2Z5_UNvFasppzxCoq-YOP8XzFk_hk_-McYNOjcf02B3R1YA/s1600/mike-twohy-but-when-she-got-there-the-cupboard-was-bare-and-so-the-poor-dog-had-no-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQl5FtaDg_cfW-APVIJPv7E3wydX6Ygbs1CIWIlGbwRVOkwDRmhAfRsQYZGjKjVkhXJRK7VKr3n8yoyfCwTgIEfo2Z5_UNvFasppzxCoq-YOP8XzFk_hk_-McYNOjcf02B3R1YA/s400/mike-twohy-but-when-she-got-there-the-cupboard-was-bare-and-so-the-poor-dog-had-no-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" width="283" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: rgb(153 , 153 , 0); font-size: 180%; font-weight: bold;">T</span></span>here was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: rgb(153 , 51 , 0); font-size: 180%; font-weight: bold;">D</span>ear Mrs. Fenton,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Mr. Wally Underpants</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">MEMO</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(And; last, but not least!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: rgb(204 , 51 , 204); font-size: 180%; font-weight: bold;">I</span>t's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"That's cool," says Bobby.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S NOT CALLED 'THE SCREW'; IT'S CALLED 'THE TWIST'!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">KATZ</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;">Below are some really fun (& cheap) gifts </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;">recommended by Sometimes Saintly Nick </span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-49243301462349850772015-11-27T20:54:00.001-05:002015-11-27T20:54:31.641-05:00Friday Funnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Welcome to Sometimes Saintly Nick's</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">FRIDAY FUNNIES </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">on <span style="color: black;">Black</span> Friday </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That ain't all. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here's some really funny New Yorker Magazine cartoon books: </span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-51794614765766643412015-11-26T04:35:00.000-05:002015-11-26T04:35:01.423-05:00Giving Thanks<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I have a multitude of
items for which I am thankful since last Thanksgiving, beginning with human
beings.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/richard.t.pearson" target="_blank">The Rev. Richard Pearson</a>,
who is my new pastor—even though I have yet to </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUFXrzM_VppjRRGvVPwmvk_yWNuRYv_ipCIPddwy32tFrwgoFFE-j5z5liYCXEncQBjxaTyJQpY6AtXcZ_wSrZ41NEbwzAIMIeIWBm5q6P9KVYyNhH2FhybUdv2zchn-ANUWbtWg/s1600/11898714_10153166921772099_9053523969104555526_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUFXrzM_VppjRRGvVPwmvk_yWNuRYv_ipCIPddwy32tFrwgoFFE-j5z5liYCXEncQBjxaTyJQpY6AtXcZ_wSrZ41NEbwzAIMIeIWBm5q6P9KVYyNhH2FhybUdv2zchn-ANUWbtWg/s200/11898714_10153166921772099_9053523969104555526_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">worship at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/FCUCCLouisville/" target="_blank">Faith United Church of Christ</a> due to my numerous infirmities—has been a true Angel in my life since
my April 12 falls. He has visited me in hospital and rehab Center, driven me to
medical appointments, cleaned my apartment (many, many times), fed my Kitty
Kids and kept their litter box clean and filled with fresh cat litter. He has always
been willing and able to assist in various projects, from putting together
furniture to assisting Jenny and taking my humongous wheelchair out of storage
and placing it in the back of my CR-V. Richard has been willing to come to me
almost every time I have needed him. For example, on Tuesday I attempted to
take a bath for only the third time since I moved into this apartment and the
first time since my April 12 injuries. That was because there has been lots of
lime clogging up the water system and I have been unable to obtain a good flow
from my shower head making showering almost impossible. The bath was a
wonderful experience; however, we encountered a major problem when I attempted
to get out of the bathtub. I couldn’t! So Jenny telephoned Richard and he came
to my apartment where he and Jenny attempted to lift me out of the tub. So they
called 911 and a couple of strong men got me out of the tub. Richard stayed
around until he was sure that I was okay. The Richard Pearson has brought God’s
love and grace into my life. I am extremely thankful for all that he has done
for me and the Kitty Kids.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I see my son, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nicktemple?pnref=friends.search" target="_blank">Nick</a>, too
infrequently. However, he came to me when I was in </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">the</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc8WJW_eGGpgZY0NmbWWO2YZxYAWQecgFmYXxRd0Z0ICrbBooGqzyw_RWlXw0gFBQBB6g4eeVFchs2Wv5cu5turY_HQbc9aS93Fo_G3rFW888Kkv0FMYp5S_QPvsdUCBtvvSu7wg/s1600/11903762_10155907351415368_4953923082416178014_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc8WJW_eGGpgZY0NmbWWO2YZxYAWQecgFmYXxRd0Z0ICrbBooGqzyw_RWlXw0gFBQBB6g4eeVFchs2Wv5cu5turY_HQbc9aS93Fo_G3rFW888Kkv0FMYp5S_QPvsdUCBtvvSu7wg/s200/11903762_10155907351415368_4953923082416178014_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">hospital and rehab
Center. Nick is the first person I saw when I came out of the 12(?) day coma in
the ICU. He visited me regularly throughout April and May. He was at a
restaurant nearby when I was given permission to eat solid food and drink
non-thickened water. I telephoned Nick and he brought me the first solid food I
ate after the ordeal of thickened water and mushy food. I am extremely thankful
and proud of my firstborn, Nicholas Lawrence Temple III.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I am also thankful for my
ex-wife, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/janel.temple.1" target="_blank">Janel</a>, being present so often at the hospital and rehab Center. She
assisted me in understanding things that my battered brain could not. When it
was determined that I have prostate cancer, she went with me to numerous
appointments with pathologist, oncologists, and urologists. Even though she
stated that she did not think I am grateful for all that she has done during my
illness, I am extremely thankful to Janel.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXYcYztIZR7d7hv7pM-dME0JBx7jJFrkuf8O0MqU7zaePw_a8Rq8rOfCh45_I14aN3wUW72aMIfdHzoFa1zpgPuFyvR7B4Uk_Og4PdNRBAwh8pXSoHGFbsKh8FdI8zibXLMsbTIw/s1600/Doug+Fowler.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXYcYztIZR7d7hv7pM-dME0JBx7jJFrkuf8O0MqU7zaePw_a8Rq8rOfCh45_I14aN3wUW72aMIfdHzoFa1zpgPuFyvR7B4Uk_Og4PdNRBAwh8pXSoHGFbsKh8FdI8zibXLMsbTIw/s200/Doug+Fowler.jpg" width="165" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I am thankful to my
retired former pastor and colleague, the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/douglas.fowler.737" target="_blank">Rev. Doug Fowler</a>. Throughout the years
he has been more supportive than I can express. He has come to me when I have
been in need, talked with me when I have been confused, given me advice that
was much needed, and been a true pastor and friend. Now that Doug is retired, I
have much less contact with him. I remain thankful for his bringing God’s grace
and love into my life.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrz3HbX-5ElueyfDKHvdsOhyphenhyphenN4NwDV0Ts-d9vERF1Ad9xSvBGS9C9hvoeUtK67SWhyphenhyphenBPG1t1JB1j09P6nh0qbTxlv7FaXNtm0pjVIzUmdvJBFVX7NDnlhwthWqU_hyphenhyphenI1AEBJdCsg/s1600/Debbie+%2526+Me+%2526+our+Easter+bunny+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrz3HbX-5ElueyfDKHvdsOhyphenhyphenN4NwDV0Ts-d9vERF1Ad9xSvBGS9C9hvoeUtK67SWhyphenhyphenBPG1t1JB1j09P6nh0qbTxlv7FaXNtm0pjVIzUmdvJBFVX7NDnlhwthWqU_hyphenhyphenI1AEBJdCsg/s200/Debbie+%2526+Me+%2526+our+Easter+bunny+2.jpg" width="146" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">My sister, Debbie Bennett,
is a blessing. Because of the age (14 years) and questionable reliability of my
car, I am unable to visit my mom and heart nursing home in Elizabethtown. Debbie visits mom just about
every day and cares for her in ways that I wish I could. I am extremely
thankful for my little sister.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana"; font-size: 12.0pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> </span></span></span></h5>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana"; font-size: 12.0pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-style: italic; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I have
known <span class="fwbfcg"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/jennyskaggsyeaaah?fref=nf">Jenny Renee DePierro</a>
several years through a mutual friend. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4nagC8yoY63xKyMrI6wGw-d_tZykYoEWPhgaoFNbev1z0XK9CiGXlWtXW5fHnyrEFRoHatP0h1zAk2Era83a1X481XZogh5ke-O4hoqkDsb3ze2ammP2tOZwP9t3U93PEYTOibw/s1600/1455179_539638439456790_1193921256_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4nagC8yoY63xKyMrI6wGw-d_tZykYoEWPhgaoFNbev1z0XK9CiGXlWtXW5fHnyrEFRoHatP0h1zAk2Era83a1X481XZogh5ke-O4hoqkDsb3ze2ammP2tOZwP9t3U93PEYTOibw/s200/1455179_539638439456790_1193921256_n.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
However, it is only been in the last several
weeks that I have begun to know her well. She had a need: a safe place to live.
I had a need: a house keeper and caregiver. We are now meeting both of our
needs. I am extremely thankful for all that Jenny is doing, which is really
keeping me out of a nursing home.</span></span></span></span></h5>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">There are lots of other
people to whom I am most thankful. These are too numerous for me to name
individually. They consist of my doctors and nurses; the volunteers to bring my
Meals on Wheels; my friends on Facebook and Twitter; my fellow bloggers; my
friends who are actively working for justice and peace; folks here in my
apartment complex. In many ways, they too have been messing jurors from God to
me. I am most thankful for them.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana";">I have some nonhuman
friends for which I am very, very thankful. They are my Kitty Kids. Alex has
been with me 11 years; I love him dearly. Midnight was born in this apartment.
She is still a young kitten and very entertaining. Unfortunately, Sugar and
escape the apartment while I was in hospital or nursing home. I pray for her
safety and hope for her return. LG (Little Girl) escaped the apartment just
after her kittens were weaned. She is a young cat without Sugar’s street
smarts. I pray for her safety and hope for her return. My Kitty Kids are my
closest companions. I love each one dearly and am thankful for their being with
me.</span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">ALEX</span></b></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></b></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></b></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></b></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></b></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> </span></b></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">MIDNIGHT</span></b></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">SUGAR</span></b></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">LITTLE GIRL</span></b></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-47354953496730364932015-11-23T00:26:00.000-05:002015-11-23T00:26:35.255-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Thanksgiving Edition<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b>Two pilgrims</b></span> go out hunting. One has two blunderbusses (guns). The second pilgrim asks, “Why do you have two blunderbusses?”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />The first pilgrim explains, “I usually miss the first time I shoot. By taking two I can shoot again”. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The second pilgrim thinks for a while and then says, “Why not just take the second one, and only shoot once?”</span></span><br />
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<br /><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: orange;"><b>A lady</b></span> was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;">How To Cook A Turkey:</span></span><br />Step 1: Go buy a turkey<br />Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey<br />Step 3: Put turkey in the oven<br />Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey<br />Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens<br />Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink<br />Step 7: Turk the bastey<br />Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get<br />Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer<br />Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey<br />Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours<br />Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey<br />Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick<br />Step 14: Turk the carvey<br />Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch<br />Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey<br />Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out</span></div>
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<br /><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><b>A poultry farmer</b></span> was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />His friends who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I don't know. I haven't been able to catch one."</span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #7f6000;"> It's the day before Thanksgiving</span></b>, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.<br /><br />'Please let me in, 'says the man desperately. 'I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.'<br /><br />'Okay, 'says the butcher.' Let me see what I have left.' He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.<br /><br />'That's one is too skinny. What else you got?' says the man.<br /><br />The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.<br /><br />'Oh, no, 'says the man, 'That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!'</span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">KATZ </span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-90279017800220730592015-11-20T12:29:00.003-05:002015-11-21T13:34:06.997-05:00Friday Funnies Thanksgiving Edition <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><span style="color: #e69138;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ENJOY</span></span></span></b></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-53491397739946092992015-11-16T06:24:00.001-05:002015-11-17T18:06:05.071-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor Featuring KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen</i>. –<b>Jimmy Fallon</b><br /><i><br /> Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday</i>. –<b>Jimmy Kimmel</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b> </b><br /><i>I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.</i> –<b>Jon Stewart</b><br /><br /><i>According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.</i> –<b>Conan O'Brien</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>A 65 year old guy</b></span> goes to the doctor. He's in great shape. Doctor says, "You've got good genes. How old was your father when he died?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Guy says, "Did I say my father had died?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Doctor says, "You mean your father is still alive? How old is he?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Guy says, "My father is 87." </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Doctor says, "That's great! How old was your grandfather when he died?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Guy says, "Did I say my grandfather had died?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Doctor says, "You mean your grandfather is still living? How old is he and how is his health?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Guy says, "My grandfather is 112 years old and he is in great shape. He just got married last month!" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Doc says, "Why in the world would a 112 year old want to get married?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Guy says, "Did I say my grandfather WANTED to get married?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj39TXNvyN-ca51yMB5BySWioxsI6qfkSEiAX83x_fZnhEN1Z9ngIeAuznkpN6q7Tnr-C0m_vwS9-KRw7iAYNjj8v__Epk5opvUDZilIErUu50fug8s-_czPlFjkzI5iRjjTySpmQ/s1600/05e5b03d8c540b566966a3b048ff924b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj39TXNvyN-ca51yMB5BySWioxsI6qfkSEiAX83x_fZnhEN1Z9ngIeAuznkpN6q7Tnr-C0m_vwS9-KRw7iAYNjj8v__Epk5opvUDZilIErUu50fug8s-_czPlFjkzI5iRjjTySpmQ/s400/05e5b03d8c540b566966a3b048ff924b.jpg" width="332" /> </a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #a64d79;"><b>A lady takes her dog </b></span>to the vet because he is hard of hearing. The vet tells her to just get some hair removal cream and use it in the dogs ears. They are just too full of hair. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So she goes to the pharmacist and asks for Nair. He gives it to her and says "If it's for your upper lip, stay out of the sun for a day". </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She says its not. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Well, if it's for your underarms, stay out of the gym for a couple of days". </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Again, she says it's not. She says "It's for my chihuahua". </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The pharmacist says "Oh, in that case, stay off your bike for a week" </span></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTArY7jCfIYxBVYm-SOZcZ-ffYtEWMeoKfY-DIqbKIW7PQ0YLU-RZz72jiVkx4gxM93cN4qjqeVhVv_9JWNQW3BAhmrAftMKQWQvfLEmNDj-GGORFKlR4oZseqMYO8BwXhL3UIxQ/s1600/120319_cartoon_052_a16476_p465.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="341" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTArY7jCfIYxBVYm-SOZcZ-ffYtEWMeoKfY-DIqbKIW7PQ0YLU-RZz72jiVkx4gxM93cN4qjqeVhVv_9JWNQW3BAhmrAftMKQWQvfLEmNDj-GGORFKlR4oZseqMYO8BwXhL3UIxQ/s400/120319_cartoon_052_a16476_p465.gif" width="400" /> </a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><b>A man speaks</b></span> frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!</span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was driving through West Texas and saw a hitchhiker. It was the middle of nowhere so I picked him up. He kept staring at a brown bag I had on the seat between us. I said, "if you're wondering about the bag, it's a bottle of wine I got for my wife." </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">He nodded his head a couple of times and said, "Good trade!" </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibX8SheslLDStuZ7OoDSc1SDNC1hXICZQkr7J1Kroe_7eFQnhP7faWOpDPm5rxtIVlg0k_JIVo8MDUQ48zjy4-lHSi9EladNLWNLoCRlgALSPnC1r5Me_O_NnzdbyaSTX2ZXic5g/s1600/Cartoons-Make-You-Laugh-18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibX8SheslLDStuZ7OoDSc1SDNC1hXICZQkr7J1Kroe_7eFQnhP7faWOpDPm5rxtIVlg0k_JIVo8MDUQ48zjy4-lHSi9EladNLWNLoCRlgALSPnC1r5Me_O_NnzdbyaSTX2ZXic5g/s400/Cartoons-Make-You-Laugh-18.jpg" width="278" /> </a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b>Herbert came home</b></span> with a black eye. His mother said,"Oh Honey, what happened?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Herb said, " I made a joke about the Pope and Betsy popped me." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Don't you know Betsy is catholic?" his mother asked. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Herb moaned, "Yes, but I didn't know the pope is!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i> (Best read with a good Irish brogue)</i> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><b>It was a busy night</b></span> at the pub, as Sean, the barkeep, looks up and sees ol' Paddy Maloney stumble through the door. Paddy's got his arm in a sling, a bandage 'round his head and he's draggin' a leg, and as he gets closer, Sean hollers out: "Paddy, ya look terrible, what's happened to ya?" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Well", Paddy says, "Little Jamie O'Connor did this to me." </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sean says, "that little shit! He couldn't do that ... he must'a had something in his hand!" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Aye", Paddy says, "that he did - a shovel he had and a mighty lickin' he gave me with it." </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sean: "Well, ya didn't have something in your hand??" </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Paddy: "Aye, that I did - Mrs O'Connor's breast ... and a thing o' beauty it is ... but useless in a fight..."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">KATZ </span></span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-17528851727261558332015-11-13T08:49:00.000-05:002015-11-13T09:05:04.396-05:00Friday Funnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAoxP2LG57wP483XT6Uwuo3c_YewZD5S325VjtNvXMcHopOE_61vKQjs78hyB0F_fkoHSv9mUwwV1_EgKkH98Qva9f8im6ZZ5PDpURzLg__IAo-y4C8POe3D1j4RXC2J2-144Xpw/s1600/WELCOME+TO+FRIDAY+FUNNIES.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAoxP2LG57wP483XT6Uwuo3c_YewZD5S325VjtNvXMcHopOE_61vKQjs78hyB0F_fkoHSv9mUwwV1_EgKkH98Qva9f8im6ZZ5PDpURzLg__IAo-y4C8POe3D1j4RXC2J2-144Xpw/s400/WELCOME+TO+FRIDAY+FUNNIES.jpg" width="400" /> </a></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If a picture is worth a thousand words,</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">then a Friday Funny is worth 10,000 laughs<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Enjoy! </span></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-42436500601378524932015-11-11T08:38:00.000-05:002015-11-11T10:22:46.385-05:00The Songs Soldiers Sang<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At 5 a.m. on the morning of the 11<sup>th</sup> of November
1918, an armistice—a cessation of hostilities as a prelude to peace
negotiations—was signed between Germany
and the Allied Powers, effectively putting an end to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Great Was</i> (World War I). The hostilities were to cease six
hours later, at 11:00 a.m.—the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the
eleventh month of 1918.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For 35 years November 11<sup>th</sup> was known and
celebrated as Armistice Day. Then the designation was changed to Veterans Day
to celebrate all veterans of all America’s many wars.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I have a theory that other folks may share: if you want
facts to put in your head, read a book, attend a lecture, watch a documentary
film, etc. If you want to touch your heart, read a poem or listen to a song (or,
better still, sing a song). So, in honor of today, I am sharing songs of American's many wars.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Revolutionary War</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/pu0_dCRf3sk/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/pu0_dCRf3sk?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The War of 1812</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/WOeYPpOblAw/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WOeYPpOblAw?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Mexican War</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/9ReQQVN0HFA/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9ReQQVN0HFA?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Civil War: Union</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/8ccQ6cT-9kk/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8ccQ6cT-9kk?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Civil War: Confederacy</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/f5xdgYLuFCk/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/f5xdgYLuFCk?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Indian Wars (2nd half 19th Century)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Korean War</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Vietnam</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Iraq</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_tTlSmRtnxrrmJU9j5Gt65SwOBfmwT84wFpVGuhcMRiddEMCs045ydpssXq_ycsLEzGZbiH-9OJanF2C30HZQbZtqioeH4PKX5uGYt-mf9QBPOn7sHKjdXPNlYjeQ0PSCbZgcOA/s1600/bar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="35" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_tTlSmRtnxrrmJU9j5Gt65SwOBfmwT84wFpVGuhcMRiddEMCs045ydpssXq_ycsLEzGZbiH-9OJanF2C30HZQbZtqioeH4PKX5uGYt-mf9QBPOn7sHKjdXPNlYjeQ0PSCbZgcOA/s320/bar.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I have spent quite a bit
of time researching and writing this post. Still, it is far from complete.
There are many more songs that I have not listed. There are many wars, too.
After all, since 1776 the <st1:country-region w:st="on">United States</st1:country-region>
has been at war 91% of the time, making us the most warlike nation since
ancient <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Rome</st1:place></st1:city>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Let me put this in perspective:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; font-stretch: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0.2in; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">* Pick any year since 1776 and
there is about a 91% chance that <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region> was involved in some war
during that calendar year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; font-stretch: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0.2in; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">* No <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> president truly qualifies as a
peacetime president. Instead, all <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> presidents can technically be
considered “war presidents.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; font-stretch: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0.2in; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">* The <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> has never gone a decade
without war.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; font-stretch: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">* The<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em style="outline: 0px;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; padding: 0in;">only</span></em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>time
the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region>
went five years without war (1935-40) was during the isolationist period of the
Great Depression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 11.25pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, to end this post, please hear
this one song:</span><span style="color: #555555; font-family: "verdana";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXHXwC7sU0Rzg8qU1XRa-a_Qht7IbePlXUpZHtAeWb05KNNA4vFhYRpCq2vLs3tTFTlNQ5Ij0MDh5Sz8Nbu9rHAvyKGQ5_Y5QDptgGN_c9JjXhyYtQglJQIOxv9a198IDN8WDJwA/s1600/Logo-LTBP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="361" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXHXwC7sU0Rzg8qU1XRa-a_Qht7IbePlXUpZHtAeWb05KNNA4vFhYRpCq2vLs3tTFTlNQ5Ij0MDh5Sz8Nbu9rHAvyKGQ5_Y5QDptgGN_c9JjXhyYtQglJQIOxv9a198IDN8WDJwA/s400/Logo-LTBP.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-18949824560031484722015-11-09T20:24:00.000-05:002015-11-09T20:24:12.088-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEive8gdN6NYcPKp8e2ue4SmpBukMMHcM5FDtaY5Z9PmBreSVXRMK5h1RFWnby-x9P51-SKWNWjbnTtpEU-FtQXe65SxjkVGn28zcTjutKm_tKFwdP4QziDmZQqtsGGEx__KlnfX/s1600/AAAAAs3DKcYAAAAAABcUhg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEive8gdN6NYcPKp8e2ue4SmpBukMMHcM5FDtaY5Z9PmBreSVXRMK5h1RFWnby-x9P51-SKWNWjbnTtpEU-FtQXe65SxjkVGn28zcTjutKm_tKFwdP4QziDmZQqtsGGEx__KlnfX/s400/AAAAAs3DKcYAAAAAABcUhg.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: red;">Morris Schwartz is dying</span></b> and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...! The schmuck had a newspaper route!"</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOYJ3wYXi9bProBc36xV2TTyhPCmvEELlgVk3ht2iS3pvyX0An1N98uAbUDXl7ogaiMzl8A-VWt9KeNlvh4cj3dJ27cQPfE7ckQQylgT80QAuR7qA0H1YsSvBR-qtkHgQKCaN5/s1600/I+NEED.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="335" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOYJ3wYXi9bProBc36xV2TTyhPCmvEELlgVk3ht2iS3pvyX0An1N98uAbUDXl7ogaiMzl8A-VWt9KeNlvh4cj3dJ27cQPfE7ckQQylgT80QAuR7qA0H1YsSvBR-qtkHgQKCaN5/s400/I+NEED.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rules of Life</span></div>
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<ol style="text-align: left;">
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My reality check bounced.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.</span></li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe_MVX4XTJt5XnPdsqMAxDicQ-Y4eTU_hTUqSte_sLohcOpIWZbTdfRwEZytL3XFVU3Q9DVh73x0gKCS-OdmnjI9dvYtA0XIsPehkeP2RtbuvRxg5OKZ0f23pDQq8SP2-NYFT_/s1600/time+for+fun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="330" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe_MVX4XTJt5XnPdsqMAxDicQ-Y4eTU_hTUqSte_sLohcOpIWZbTdfRwEZytL3XFVU3Q9DVh73x0gKCS-OdmnjI9dvYtA0XIsPehkeP2RtbuvRxg5OKZ0f23pDQq8SP2-NYFT_/s400/time+for+fun.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: orange;">Five Blondes</span></b> walk into a bar a sit down at a table. After a few minutes they stand up and give each other high fives, and shout "50 days!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The bar tender wonders what was that all about. He goes over to the table and says, "What are you celebrating?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One of the blonds says, "We bought a jigsaw puzzle and on the box it said '2 to 4 years' and we did it in 50 days."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: blue;">Two men</span></b> went hunting. One had been an avid hunter, hunting all his life; the other man was a city boy, hunting for the first time. The avid hunter told city boy to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"I was when the snake bit me," the man said. "And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><b>An old couple</b></span> w<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">as</span> listening to a radio station on a Sunday morning when a preacher came on and said that he could heal anyone. He said, "If you wanted to be healed put one hand on the radio and the other hand on the part that you want healed." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So the old lady puts her left hand on the radio and puts her right hand over her heart and starts singing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The old man, who has been drinking, says "Shit! Why not?" So he puts his left hand on the radio then puts his right hand down his pants. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">His wife looks at him and says "Herman the man said that he could <i>heal</i>, not raise the dead."</span> </div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KATZ</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-18744657365698157782015-11-06T13:55:00.001-05:002015-11-06T13:56:37.318-05:00Sometimes Saintly Nick's Friday Funnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16939152657551690867noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12709723.post-58312891879717657512015-11-02T07:53:00.002-05:002015-11-02T07:53:58.066-05:00Too Bad Its Monday Humor and KATZ<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Best Late Night Jokes from Last Week</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><i>Halloween is just a couple days away. Everybody's getting in the spirit. In fact last night, I watched TWO scary movies: the Republican debate and the Mets game. (I'll be having nightmares for WEEKS!)</i> ~ <b>Jimmy Fallon</b><br /><br /><i>Analysts are saying that after last night’s dismal performance at the debate, Jeb Bush’s donors are in "full panic mode." Apparently, last night Jeb Bush called his two biggest donors and said, "Calm down, Mom and Dad."</i> ~ <b>Conan O'Brien</b><br /><br /><i>The worst of memorable moments: We learned Donald Trump carries a gun. He told the group he carries a concealed weapon, conceals it in his hair.</i> ~ <b>Jimmy Kimmel</b><br /><br /><i>"Star Wars" creator George Lucas has gotten approval to build a 300,000-square-foot museum in Chicago. And if you think that sounds exciting, just wait until you've tried sex</i>.~ <b>Seth Meyers</b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;"><b>One day this lady</b></span> wakes up to find a gorilla on her roof. She calls the Police to report it and to have it removed.</div>
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The Police think her a crack-pot and tell her that gorillas are out of their jurisdiction. They suggest that she should call an animal trapper.<br />
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She looks through the Yellow pages and sure enough, there it was "Acme Animal trappers."<br />
So she calls them up and explains that she has a gorilla on her roof and she wants it removed.<br />
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They said they know of the gorilla, its name is "Bonzo" and that its owner had died some years ago. The gorilla is kept at the Zoo and gets out in search of it owner. It will cost her lots to get it off the roof.<br />
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The lady said, "I don't care what it cost. Just get the beast off the roof."<br />
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A half hour later a pick-up truck with a cage and ladder in back arrives and two men and a dog get out. The men pull off the cage and set it open with the dog in front. The ladder came off next and they set it the yard, then one of the men walks up to the lady and hands her a gun.<br />
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"Look lady, I'm going to put the ladder against the house and sneak up on the gorilla, and knock him off the roof with this club. Then my partner is going to knock the gorilla out with his club. The dog gets riled up and will grab the gorilla by the balls, I mean testicles, ma'am, and helplessly drag the gorilla into the cage."<br />
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The lady said she understood and the man sets the ladder against the house and gets halfway up when the lady calls out, "But sir, what do I do with this gun?"<br />
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The man pats his forehead and says, "Oh my God. I almost forgot. If I miss the gorilla and fall off the roof... Shoot the Dog!"<br />
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<span style="color: red;"><b> A blonde is walking</b></span> her dog on a hot summer day. She decides to go into a diner. She ties the dog under a shade tree. A policeman comes by, then goes into the diner and asks whose dog is tied up outside. The blonde says it's hers. </div>
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The cop says, "lady your dog's in heat," <br />
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She says, "no it isn't, I put it in the shade." <br />
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He says, "no, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred," <br />
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She says, "no, can't be, I fed it before we left." <br />
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The cop finally says, "Lady, your dog wants to have sex,"<br />
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She says, "Well go ahead then, I always wanted a police dog!"<br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><b> A bottle collector</b></span> goes around his neighborhood looking for bottles. He comes to a house and knocks on the door. An old woman opens it up and gruffly asks, "What do ya want?</div>
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The man backs up a bit and asks nicely, "Do you have any old beer bottles?" <br />
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The lady once again asks, in the same harsh way, "Do I look like I drink beer?" <br />
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The man asks politely, "Well, do you have any old vinegar bottles?"<br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>A man calls</b></span> the front desk from room 1248 in a hotel. Ask the clerk for "maintenance". Clerk wants to know what the problem is. Man tells here that his wife has gone berserk and is threatening to jump out the window. Clerk tells him that this is a police matter, not a maintenance issue. Man tells her that the window won't open and THAT is a maintenance issue. </div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>A painter was hired </b></span>to paint the local Baptist Church. It looked quite good and the painter was paid and on his way.</div>
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A few weeks later after a heavy rain it became clear that the paint had been diluted so much that if faded badly after the rain. <br />
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The painter was called back and after being confronted by his error was asked what he could do to make amends.<br />
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The Pastor replied "Repaint and Thin No More."<br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">KATZ</span></span></div>
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