T.B.I.M. Jokes & Humor

A bit over five years ago, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved!


QUICK QUOTES:

• It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. ~ H. L. Mencken
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels. ~ Groucho Marx 
• I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong. ~ Murray Walker 
• The real problem is what to do with the problem-solvers after the problems are solved. ~ Gay Talese 
• We have a good arrangement. Roman lies to me and I pretend to believe him. ~ Sharon Tate 
• Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you. ~ Gilda Radner 
• Poor people have more fun than rich people, they say; and I notice it's the rich people who keep saying it. ~ Jack Paar 
• Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. ~ Conan O'Brien 
• If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. ~ Kevin Nealon 
• The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~ Madeleine L'Engle 
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.~ Ann Landers 
• I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast. ~ Jonathan Katz
• I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not. ~ Sarah Silverman
• Ignorance is a menace to peace. ~ Paul Harris 
• I always say now that I'm in my blonde years. Because since the end of my marriage, all of my girlfriends have been blonde.~ Hugh Hefner 
• I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable. ~ Kathy Griffin 
• Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld
• Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. ~ Will Rogers 
• Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. ~ Sir Winston Churchill 

A priest and a minister walked into a bar. The rabbi ducked.

Why would you even ask me that? 

I'm insulted! 

Every time something goes missing around here, 

everybody looks at me! 

An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too."

FRIENDS:

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."

CNN Breaking News: 

Just reported: BP replaced the oil well cap with a wedding ring and it immediately stopped putting out. News at 11:00

KATZ

That's all, folks... Except for:

The Beginning

The United States of America celebrates today--the Fourth Day of July--as Independence Day. The chronicle of American Independence actually tells us that the legal separation of the American colonies from Great Britain occurred on July 2, 1776, when the Second Continental Congress voted to approve a resolution of independence that had been proposed in June by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia.

 Richard Henry Lee

Lee's resolution, seconded by John Adams, was short, having but three points:

• Resolved, That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved.
• That it is expedient forthwith to take the most effectual measures for forming foreign Alliances.
• That a plan of confederation be prepared and transmitted to the respective Colonies for their consideration and approbation.

By the adoption of this resolution the thirteen American colonies broke their connection with Great Britain. Two days later the Continental Congress adopted a document written by Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin that  now known as the United States Declaration of Independence.

So today, 234 years later, we Americans celebrate with parades, speeches, picnics, and fireworks. However, what we generally forget is that neither Lee's resolution or the Declaration of Independence gave us our freedom. They were only the beginning. For eight long, bloody years war and civil war ravaged the young nation:

Battle of Bunker Hill, 1775

Retreat from Long Island, 1776

Battle of Trenton, 1776

First United States Flag made, 1777

Winter at Valley Forge, 1777-1778

COL George Roger Clark's capture of Fort Sackville, 1778

Battle of Savannah, 1779

Battle of Camden, 1780

Battle of Cowpens, 1781

Battle of Yorktown, 1781

Surrender of British Army at Yorktown, 1781

Treaty of Paris, 1783

Only with the signing of the Treaty of Paris on September 3, 1783, did the American Revolution come to an end. Only then Americans have the liberty and independence and freedom to which the Declaration of Independence speaks. The cost was great: over 50.000 dead and wounded combatants plus an unknown number of non-combatants. Families split apart over allegiance to Great Britain or the new nation. The United States began life with a national war debt of an estimated $150,000,000 in 1780 coinage. That was our first national debt, which equals approximately $186 trillion in today's dollars.

One final thought:

Amen.