Monday, September 21, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor)

Before you laugh at the jokes:

Today is the

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Yesterday I saw a very nice dogwood tree. I recognized it by its bark.

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't shttin' me, are you?"

  • Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  • I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
  • LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
  • Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second apse)..ummm...Goonies"
  • MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  • What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  • Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.

"Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

  • If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur. ~ Doug Larson
  • A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. ~ Arnold Toynbee
  • Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. ~ Spike Milligan
  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. ~ Harlan Ellison
  • I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one. ~ Will Rogers
  • The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal: they have to live off each other. While the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats. ~ Will Rogers
  • Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. ~ Will Rogers
  • Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth. ~ Will Rogers
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. ~ Will Rogers
  • Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. ~ Will Rogers
  • I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. ~ Will Rogers
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ~ Will Rogers
  • If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them. ~ Will Rogers
  • We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business? ~ Will Rogers
  • If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. ~ Will Rogers
  • Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse. ~ Will Rogers
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. ~ Will Rogers
  • So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way. ~ Will Rogers
  • The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking. ~ Will Rogers
  • The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. ~ Will Rogers
  • You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is. ~ Will Rogers
  • We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others. ~ Will Rogers
  • Do the best you can, and don't take life too seriously. ~ Will Rogers

Kurt Vonnegut

Hunter S. Thompson

Timothy Leary

Homer Simpson



  1. Beginning Monday with tea and your jokes. Thank you, Saintly Nick.

  2. That Will Rogers is a bit like Winston Churchill...always with an appropriate comment for an appropriate time. Geat post, Nick.

  3. Thanks for reminding me to take my day a little less seriously, Nick!

  4. The first one got me...a loudspeaker from a rib! Thanks Nick :)

  5. Lots of laughs today. Thank you, Saintly.

  6. the facebook one is hilarious! Says the person who just spent 1 hour browsing photos of an old friend I found online.

  7. I choked on my coffee for the facebook one. I think I may steal it as my facebook status... (you will see it soon). Wahahahaha.

  8. LOL I'm always guaranteed a chuckle at the start of the week here with you Nick.

  9. "Nature abhors a vacuum but not as much as cats do" LOL! That was the best!

  10. I have mad many days where I decided to not be productive. Sometimes you just have to. It feels right.