Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ

Sometimes Saintly Nick hasn't been feeling well recently. He spent most of today at hospital having test run. As you know, he has cancer and the tests are to determine how far it has spread. Still, he wants you to enjoy these laughs that he created this evening.

Sometimes Saintly Nick

Nine things dogs don't understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" 

 

A cat's dictionary

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

 

 Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

 

 

KATZ KITTENS

 

Want some more laughs?

 

Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ

 Once upon a time, they said...

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." ~ Phyllis Diller
 
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” ~ Johnny Carson

"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." (On Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays") ~ Jon Stewart

"I love my family but my family -- they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play -- I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'" ~ Wanda Sykes

"Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!" ~ Lewis Black

"I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'" ~ Marc Maron

"My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?" ~ Laura Kightlinger

"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it." ~ Demetri Martin

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ George Carlin

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." ~ Jay Leno

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the man of the rabbi.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"What did he say?" asked the man.

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

 

Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kids says, "a circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."

 

TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES 

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table. 

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino. 

8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them. 

7. Use as railroad ties. 

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers. 

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins. 

4. Use instead of cement shoes. 

3. Save for next summer's garage sale. 

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition. 

1. Two words: pin cushion.

 

The blonde driving her car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. 

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. 

Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." 

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." 

(pause) 

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." 

"That's not why it's there." 

(pause) 

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" 

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye." 

 

KATZ 

Here are some cool (and cheap) Christmas gifts recommended by Sometimes Saintly Nick

Too Bad Its Monday Humor and KATZ on Tuesday

Here is a Santa Claus story: Old St. Nick was quite ill. Plus, Rudolph had a severe cold which hampered the reindeer’s ability to guide Santa’s sleigh. And, the elves and organize themselves into a union and were on strike. Add to that, Ms. Claus was suffering from PMS and being especially bitchy. In the midst of all these troubles, an Angel came in to the workshop and asked, “Santa, where do you want me to stick this Christmas tree?” And that, my dear friends, is why we have Angels on top of Christmas trees.

 

Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, "That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man."

Second guy says, "Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale."

First guy says, "Yes, I am a Yale man." 

They both look at the third guy, and they say, "You must have gone to University of Kentucky.".

Third guy says, "Why yes, I did. How could you tell?" 

"We saw your class ring when you picked your nose."

 

 It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, "We are open but we are clothed".

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, "Hi Father." He said, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "I'm Sister Catherine, remember?"

 

 Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower. 

Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.  

 

KATZ 

 

 

 

Below are some really fun (and cheap) gifts 

recommended by Sometimes Saintly Nick