Monday, July 27, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor & KATZ

Welcome to Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM)
Jokes & Humor & KATZ.
Before Sometimes Saintly Nick shows you
the funny stuff,
he wants to pass on a couple
of announcements.

It appears that sometime today Nick's Bytes shall receive our 150,000th visitor.
If you are the one, please leave us (me) a comment.

Positive Day, the brilliant idea of
a twelve year old girl, is almost here.
Read more about Positive Day

And now, on with
Too Bad It's Monday laughs!

It seems that the majority of the humor that I have been been recently receiving has been lists and graphics. Sooooo, lists and graphics are what I'm passing on, with KATZ and WISDOM, of course.

The Wisdom of the Aged
  • "I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type." Bob Hope
  • "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..." Sir Norman Wisdom
  • "Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too too late." Anonymous
  • "You know you're getting old and fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." John Mendoza
  • "As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." Robert Quillen
  • "People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body." Geoffrey Parfitt

Marriage Quotes
  • "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield
  • "When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason." Molly McGee
  • "Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." Mickey Rooney
  • "In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues." Helen Rowland
  • "Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that." Unknown
  • "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." Rita Rudner

Writers' Quotes:
  • "The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." Tom Clancy
  • "I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it." William Faulkner
  • "I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87." Steve Martin
  • "I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know." Mel Brooks
  • "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous." Robert Benchley
  • "A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction." William Faulkner
  • "The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps." Robert Benchley

Work quotes:
  • "The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." Robert Frost
  • "The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse." Dennis Miller
  • "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" Edgar Bergen
  • "Doing nothing is very hard to never know when you're finished." Leslie Nielsen
  • "The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job." Slappy White
  • "I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'." Robert Paul
  • "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." Muhammad Ali
  • "A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." Dennis Miller

You've been programming too long...
  • When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
  • When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
  • When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
  • When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
  • When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
  • When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
  • When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
  • When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
  • When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
  • When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

Homer Simpson

Kurt Vonnegut

Timothy Leary
  • It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except politians. ~ Mark Twain
  • For these defendants, corruption was a way of life. They existed in an ethics-free zone. ~ RALPH J. MARRA JR., the acting United States attorney in New Jersey, announcing charges against 44 people.
  • Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion. ~ Robertson Davies
  • No matter how much education you have as a person of color, you still can’t escape institutional racism That’s what the issue is to me.~ Keith E. Horton, sports and entertainment lawyer in Chicago who is black
  • Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths. ~ Bertrand Russell
  • In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. ~ Douglas Adams
  • Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too. ~ Lichty and Wagner


The defense has begun final arguments in the trial of Aung San Suu Kyi.
Now may be the last opportunity to attempt to influence the Burmese disctators before he conviction


  1. A lovely read with my morning tea.

  2. I love starting my Monday mornings with you Nick.
    To think If Wales wasn't a wash out I would have missed this one.
    Much love
    Lia xx

  3. Hi Nick! I so enjoyed reading your post and laughed a lot, sitting here all by myself in front of the computer-screen:)
    The quotes you chose are just what I needed today, it's a weird, grey and mild and rainy weather here right now.
    Thanks for your comment on my blog! I wish you a good week, and lots of fun with your kitty:) I had to put Oscar into the bedroom for two ours (with his litter and his cookies) because we had some work done on the floor in the hall. Cat was a bit upset....
    take care,

  4. Thanks Nick!

    This week's Katz are the best.

  5. Loved the marriage quote about flowers for no reason. Too true.

    And the LOL Katz were awesome - no way to choose a favorite!

  6. (the Positive Day button makes me smile!!!)

  7. I got a kick out off the kats,especially the bringr of food.

  8. you sure get alot of hits. I am #150120... so it isn't me!

  9. I love the marriage jokes...cuz you KNOW they are so true!!! ;)

  10. Ah, there are lots of laughs and lots of truisms in today's bag of jokes, Nick. Well said...

  11. Really cheered me up. Thank you. I think the Bob Hope and Norman Wisdom quotes were the best.