In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.
- Neurotics build castles in the sky.
- Psychotics live in them.
- Psychiatrists collect the rent.
What the Company Is REALLY Saying
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
'That's incredible!' he exclaimed to the man next to him.
'Yes,' he said, 'but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.'
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to arried men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
QUESTIONS & OBSERVATIONS
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Did you know that Kangarros can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws.
- My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate...
- A fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a wotsit!
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"
A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.
"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"
"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is... having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is ... having money.
At age 50 success is ... having money.
At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . well, you know where this is going! (not piddling in your pants)
A Brief History Of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?
MAN: OK, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $60,000.
MAN: For that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000.
MAN: Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000.
WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
MAN: Bye, I love you too.
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
WISE (?) WORDS
My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them. ~ Penn Jillette
Mike Tyson
Timothy Leary
Winston Churchill
Mark Twain
Kurt Vonnegut
