Too Bad It's Monday

A father took his 7 year-old son to the zoo one day. As they were walking around viewing the animals in the nature compounds, the son pointed to a lion. "Look, Dad, there's a frickin' lion!" 

"What?" Dad said, astonished.

The son repeated, "It's a frickin' lion!" 

People started looking. Still surprised and not really sure how to reply, the father finally asked, "How did you come up with that?"

"It's on the sign over there," answered the son, pointing. 

The father looked in the direction in which his son was pointing. Posted on the fence was a sign that read, "African Lion."

Chaim was feeling old and lonely, praying for something to change. He passed a pet store and heard a voice shout in Yiddish, "SQUAWK! Vus machst du? Yah, du! Why are you standing there like a schlimazel?"

Chaim couldn't believe it. The owner grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in, check out this beautiful African Grey!"

Chaim said, "He speaks Yiddish?"

The parrot said, "Vuh den? Hindu maybe?"

Chaim paid $500 and brought the parrot home. All night he talked with his new friend in Yiddish about how he came to America, worked in the garment center, lost his beloved wife. The parrot commiserated, and told him of living in the pet store, his loud neighbors, and their filthy habits.

Next morning, Chaim began to daven (pray) and put on his tefillin. The parrot asked what he was doing, and when Chaim explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Chaim made a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot, and taught him how read Hebrew. Chaim taught him every prayer of the morning, afternoon and evening services.

Then he taught the parrot Torah and Talmud. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a dear friend and fellow Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Chaim was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Chaim explained that Shul was not place for a bird, but the parrot made a SQUAWKING FUSS!

The pair made quite a sight when they arrived at Shul, and Chaim was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. Chaim convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing his friend would daven.

Wagers were made. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot couldn't daven.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Chaim's shoulder as one prayer led to another - and not a peep from the bird. Chaim became annoyed, mumbling under his breath, "You're embarrassing me! Daven!"

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services ended, Chaim found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird started singing a joyous Hebrew prayer. Chaim froze.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars! Why, after I made your tefillin, taught you all the prayers, Hebrew and Torah... And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schlomiel," said the parrot. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece. In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: “OH!! Limp pricks!”

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into, Olympics. Just thought I’d share this new found knowledge with you.

You’re very welcome.

A tourist was walking through a cemetery in Vienna and all of a sudden he heard music. No one was around, so he started searching for the source.

He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realized that the music was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it was being played backwards!

Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards.

Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing and again, backwards.

The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word had spread, and a crowd gathered around the grave.

They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards, just then the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the group.

Someone in the group asked him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker said, "He's decomposing."

Overheard at a grocery store by someone waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cell phone in another language. Ahead of her was a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up:

Man: I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.

Woman: Excuse me?

Man: (very slow) If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.

Woman: Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.

KATZ

HAVE A GOOD WEEK!