Too Bad It's Monday (featuring BOOBs)

Funny Boobs

The  IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to  the IRS office. 

The IRS auditor was not  surprised when Grandpa showed up with his  attorney. 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir,  you have an extravagant lifestyle and no  full-time employment, Which you explain by  saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure  the IRS finds that believable.' 

I'm a  great gambler, and I can prove it,' says  Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The  auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go  ahead.' 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a  thousand dollars that I can bite my own  eye..' 

The auditor thinks a moment and  says, 'It's a bet.' 

Grandpa removes his  glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw  drops. 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other  eye.' 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa  isn't blind, so he takes the bet. 

Grandpa  removes his dentures and bites his good  eye. 

The stunned auditor now realizes he  has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's  attorney as a witness. He starts to get  nervous. 

'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk, and  pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and  never get a drop anywhere in  between.' 

The auditor, twice burned, is  cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides  there's no way this old guy could possibly  manage that stunt, so he agrees  again. 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and  unzips his pants, but although he strains  mightily, he can't make the stream reach the  wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much  urinates all over the auditor's desk. 

The  auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has  just turned a major loss into a huge  win. 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and  puts his head in his hands. 

'Are you  okay?' the auditor asks. 

'Not really,'  says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa  told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that  you'd be happy about it."






When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.


I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."


A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."


Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."


Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."








Classes for Men: Day One


HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation


TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion


DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)


DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.


LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups


LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

Classes for Men: Day Two


EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play 


HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH 
PowerPoint presentation 


REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did 


IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? 
Driving simulation 


LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing 


HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION 
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques 


REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class 


GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available




The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. 


After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" 


After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."




A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. 


"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." 


So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband "playing pattycake" with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. 


"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." 


"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

KATZ