Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




OBJECTIONAL BUMPER STICKERS

• Support Cannibalism — EAT ME!
• God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
• I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
• Keep honking while I reload.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
• Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
• If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
• Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
• If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."





A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


Mr. Turtle was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow."

Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Turtle." Mr. Turtle shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Turtle - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Turtle, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not!" So, Mr. Turtle lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.




A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."




One day, a man walks into a house of pleasure and says, ''Give me your most dangerous whore.''

The clerk says, ''She's in room 3A.''

The man goes to room 3A and sees a woman with a black leather suit, whips and chains. She tells him that, if he wants danger, then they could have sex on the peak of the roof. The man quickly agrees and they go to the roof and go at it for a while, and then they both fall off the roof, still ''together.'' They land on the sidewalk.

A drunk man walks by, sees them together, and walks into the house of pleasure. The madame says, ''Hey! I thought I told you never to come back here again! Get out, now!''

To this, the drunk replies, ''I just came in here to tell you that your sign fell down.''



A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton


Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.



WISE (?) WORDS

WINSTON CHURCHILL

MARK TWAIN

KURT VONNEGUT

HUNTER S. THOMPSON

HOMER SIMPSON

• The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. ~ Oscar Wilde
• A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. ~ Anonymous
• I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
• Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown. ~ Conan OBrien
• God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. ~ Garrison Keillor
• It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. ~ William G. McAdoo
• If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto. ~ Frankie Boyle
• We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte
• It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours. ~ Harry S. Truman Start every day with a smile and get it over with. ~ W.C. Fields

KATZ

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Light

May the blessing of light be on you - light without and light within. May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire, so that stranger and friend may come and warm himself at it. And may light shine out of the two eyes of you, like a candle set in the window of a house, bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm. And may the blessing of the rain be on you, may it beat upon your Spirit and wash it fair and clean, and leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines, and sometimes a star. And may the blessing of the earth be on you, soft under your feet as you pass along the roads, soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day; and may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it. May it rest so lightly over you that your soul may be out from under it quickly; up and off and on its way to God. And now may the Lord bless you, and bless you kindly. Amen.

~An Ancient Scottish Blessing

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow: the Work for Justice & Peace Continues

Yesterday

To me, the Blogblast for Peace on November 5th was a magnificent success. There were Peace Globes and posts on both Nick's Bytes and Alex's Alexicon blogs. I do not know how many blogs participated: I personally visited almost 40 blogs that celebrated the event by displaying Peace Globes and very creative posting related to peace and, often, justice in our hurting and bloodied world. (You may want to visit Mimi and thank her for creating and managing the Blogblast for Peace and perhaps express condolences regarding the very recent death of her father).

Yesterday I filled with peace...until I received a Breaking News Alert from CNN in my email: Mass Shooting at Fort Hood. I am certain that I need not report the details, the media is doing that overly well. With 13 dead and 31 wounded, the news shocked and horrified me.

I left my computer and turned on the TV for more information. What I found was very little more information, but (as usual) as gaggle of talking-heads commenting on what they knew very little about. The media coverage disturbed me almost must as much as the shootings horrified me. I felt like telephoning CNN and shouting, Keep your bloody mouths shut until you have some facts to report.

Of course, CNN continued the speculative broadcasting as did ABC, CBS, NBC, and , of course, the worst of the yellow journalists, FOX. The "reporting" sickened me.


Today

Nina made a comment on Face Book today that summed up my greatest fears regarding yesterday's yellow journalism:

Driving home last night I received a call from a friend who is Muslims. She said you know they are going to blame Muslims. I arrived home and John said you know they are going to blame Psychiatrists. On the news last night someone said the military needs to take responsibility for this. This morning I have to ask, whatever happened to personal responsibility?

Nina's words turned my thoughts to the days when one of my roles was as a teacher of ethics. In using simulations to teach ethics, I have found that personal responsibility--he did it and he is responsible for his act--usually takes second place to placing the blame on a group. I have always wondered why we do that -- unless, of course, we prefer to deny our own responsibly for our actions.

I shall write a blog post in the near future presenting an ethical game that plays out this strange phenomenon: The Troll on the Bridge. In the meantime, I have been praying for the victims of this terrible violence and their families.


Earlier today as I was engaged in reflecting on yesterday's events, I received another Breaking News Alert: Multiple people shot at Orlando office building; suspect at large. My first response was incredibility; my second was that could it be a copycat acting out the Fort Hood shootings in Orlando?

I don't know the answer and, unlike the media reporting on this second horror in two days, I'll await the facts before I write anything else. I am praying for the victims of today's violence as I have been for the victims of yesterday's atrocity.

A 40-year-old former engineer who was fired two years ago apparently returned to his former firm and shot six people, killing one, Friday morning in an Orlando high-rise, according to police and his former employer. ~ The Washington Post

Tomorrow


I have received several emails informing me that tomorrow the House of Representatives of the United States has the opportunity to right a very long-standing injustice. Tomorrow the House votes on a Health Care Reform bill that will make medical care as available to the poor as it has been for the wealthy. Each email asked me to either telephone my Congressional Representative, Congressman John Yarmuth, and urge that he vote yes on the legislation. Of course I did, even though I already knew that he is going to cast an affirmative vote.

As I am sure you know, I take a personal interest in this legislation. Almost four years of being without health insurance, four years of being without the life-long medications I have been prescribed to counter the genetic clinical depression from which I and others in my family suffer, four years of sinking lower and lower into depression and the real potential of suicide have made me very aware of how expensive and out-of-reach medical care is in the United States for those without money or health insurance.

My very brief experience as a licensed agent selling life and health insurance has made me aware of the greed, lies, and manipulations of at least one insurance company. I do not believe that that insurance company is all that unique.

This injustice in health care has needed change for almost 100 years. As long ago as 1912, President Theodore Roosevelt (you know that he was a Republican, don't you?) sought national health care legislation. The basic issue for Roosevelt, affordable health care for all Americans, has not changed. Tomorrow I pray that the poor and infirm of the United States will finally receive justice.

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