AMAZON

Monday, August 18, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor



 I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when they're depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.



What I Have Learned About Life:

  • Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  • There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
  • The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
  • Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  • Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  • Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
  • If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts


The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked..


The Blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The Blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"


LATE NIGHT FUNNIES

Jimmy Fallon:
People are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the president. I'm not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.

Conan O'Brien:
Apple announced it will ban two toxic chemicals that are used in the production of iPhones. In a related story, that iPhone in your pocket right now is made of toxic chemicals.

Seth Meyers:
An Oregon man called Portland police Monday to report that traffic was being held up by a chicken attempting to cross a road. Then on Tuesday, he called back to report a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar.




KATZ