Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ

Sometimes Saintly Nick hasn't been feeling well recently. He spent most of today at hospital having test run. As you know, he has cancer and the tests are to determine how far it has spread. Still, he wants you to enjoy these laughs that he created this evening.

Sometimes Saintly Nick

Nine things dogs don't understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" 

 

A cat's dictionary

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

 

 Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

 

 

KATZ KITTENS

 

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Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ

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Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. 

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

 The second guy wishes the same. 

The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

3. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

10.  What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb

 

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. 

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’ 

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ 

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ 

The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ 

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….but couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ 

The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. 

Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ 

Irv replies, ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ 

‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ 

‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

 

 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ 

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’ 

 

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ 

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. 

Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ 

Satan says OK and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. 

On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

KATZ

 

 

 

 

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