In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.
The morning after a firm's senior partner passed away unexpectedly, the law firm receptionist answered the phone from a woman.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" the caller asked. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the caller.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the caller again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the caller, the ex-Mrs. Smith, sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
- If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
- You believe in Santa Claus.
- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
- You are Santa Claus.
- You look like Santa Claus.
TIPS FOR YANKEES TRAVELING IN THE SOUTH
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Hunter S. Thompson
The mission of the U. S. Campaign for Burma is to build a broad based coalition of grassroots and institutional support for freedom in Burma. USCB’s objectives include:
- To strengthen the position of the rightful leaders of Burma, 1991 Nobel Peace Prize recipient Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and the democratically elected National League for Democracy, by cutting the political and economic lifelines of the ruling military junta;
- To organize and advocate for international intervention in Burma; and
- To inform grassroots citizens, international media and policymakers about Burma’s political, social and economic crisis.