Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor)

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.


Weird Thoughts (like we all have)

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
  
• Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."


Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."



A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.




Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Scotsman, and Paddy the Welshman were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save the others.

"I do this for the glory of Scotland," said Paddy the Scotsman and he jumped out.

"We need to lose more weight," said the captain, so Paddy the Welshman shouted, "I do this for the glory of Wales," and jumped out.

"Sorry," said the captain. "I'm afraid we need to lose the weight of just one more person."

"I do this for the glory of Ireland," said Paddy the Irishman as he threw Paddy the Englishman out of the plane.



Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (also Kerrymen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Seanin said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."



KATZ