Nick's Bytes: Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Monday, November 02, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

We were dressed and ready to go out to an evening party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long,'I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

This redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space.

The redhead said,"I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair."

Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said,"Well I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings."

Finally, the blonde spoke up. She said,"I'd go to the Sun."

The redhead and the brunette laughed.

The redhead said, "Number one, the sun is not a planet." "And number two," the brunette finished, "you'd burn up."

The blonde said, "Well duh! I'd go at night!!!"

Motherly Lessons, Part II

My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

WISE (?) WORDS

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
~ William Dement
Every single time I come close to discovering the meaning of life, someone reboots the whole thing with a new operating system. ~ Robert Rouse
Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology. ~ Rebecca West
This is like deja vu all over again. ~ Yogi Berra
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. ~ Gore Vidal
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. ~ H. G. Wells
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte
Don't be so humble; you are not that great. ~Golda Meir (Prime Minister of Israel)to a visiting diplomat
Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer. ~ Saint Thomas Moore (1478-1535)
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. ~ Saint Augustine (354-430)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein