Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor:

There was once a haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which`lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.


Sean went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. "Now that you're over 40," the doctor told him, "you've developed a condition called 'presbyopia,' in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to."

Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're now officially a presbyope!"

Sean leaned over and asked seriously, "If that means I'm no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?"

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."


A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?"

To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male,

"Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."


A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

INSIGHTS & WISE (?) WORDS

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow . . . that has been dropped out of a helicopter without a parachute. ~ Traci North

One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense. ~  Demetri Martin


Trying to get a drunk woman to orgasm is like trying to take the same drunk home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.” ~  Julian McCullough

Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?' ~  Natasha Leggero

There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions of an audience not practiced in the tricks and delusions of oratory ~ Mark Twain

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. ~ Will Rogers

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there. ~ Fred Allen

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.~ Groucho Marx

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. ~ Jack Paar 

KATZ

 8:30 PM, Saturday, 27 March 2010