Too Bad It's Monday Humor

Back in 2005, Nick’s Bytes was initially intended to present and comment on issues of justice and peace.  soon discovered that serious issues did not attract many readers and very few comments. So I began dedicating Mondays to jokes folks had emailed to me. I soon  realized that Monday's humor posts attracted 2 to 3 times the readers more than the other days of the week. That was the beginning of Too Bad It’s Monday (TBIM).

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? 

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! 

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? 

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

A man was praying to God.

He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God. Can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously

.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. 

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. 

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things. 

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shite! What happened next?"

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,

everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "That must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT! ... He broke three of me fingers."

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" 

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

A Few Thoughts

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? 
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? 
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. 

The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."

TRUE?

"I wrote a novel this year called, 'Shop Girl,' and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, 'If you think you're going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending, that's going to cost you.'" --Steve Martin 

"Right here in New York City over the weekend two dozen sumo wrestlers were in town over at Madison Square Garden. It was nice to have the sumo wrestlers this time of the year in New York City. When the weather gets cool you just don't see enough shirtless fat guys." --Dave Letterman 

KATZ