Too Bad It's Monday: Jokes, Humor, and KATZ

A teen-aged blonde, who had just dyed her hair red, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. 

The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. 

The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. "Look here, Yong Lady, your finger is broken!" 

A father and son are outside Great American Ballpark, and the young son is asking his father to buy him a "Cardinals Suck" T-shirt. The father hesitates, but finally tells his son, "You can have the shirt if you promise never to say that word." 

"That's right," says the T-shirt vendor, wanting to make the sale. "'Suck' isn't a very nice word." 

"No," replies the father. "I meant the word 'Cardinals'." 

Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself? 

A. She’s smoking a cigarette. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog? 

A: A terrified postman! 

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? 

A: I'm paw! 

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? 

A: She had mittens. 

Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister? 

A: An aunt-eater! 

Q: What do tigers wear in bed? 

A: Stripey pajamas! 

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a toad walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. 

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the toad's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" 

"Not really," said the toad. "Your name is written inside the cover." 

A man walks into a bar and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" 

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" 

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." 

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" 

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!" 

David Letterman said (about Paris Hilton):

"Here is a sad story. Paris Hilton has a dog named Tinkerbell and Tinkerbell was missing. But don't worry -- they found Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell was with the Taco Bell chihuahua making a sex video."

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." 

"At Madame Tussaud's they unveiled a brand new wax statue -- the Paris Hilton statue. And people tell me that this statue is so life-like that the statue of Tiger Woods is hitting on it." 

An old priest became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll leave the priesthood!" 

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. 

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." 

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week." 

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had been having sex for hours when the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." 

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" 

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." 

KATZ