Too Bad It's Monday

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious that he has his hands full, what with the child screaming at the top of his lungs for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a calm, controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be much longer ... easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William... my grandsons name is Charlie."

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. 

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. 

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" 

The owner says, "How about a cat?" 

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" 

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" 

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." 

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." 

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. 

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" 

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. 

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! 

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? 

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. 

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" 

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" 

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?" 

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside." 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" 

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" 

The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know....you left your Injun running. 

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. 

She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.' 

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?' 

The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.' 

The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?'

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" 

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" 

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. 

There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!" 

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home. 

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. 

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. 

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time". 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" 

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" 

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." 

Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?" The Old Farmer Said, "that's My Pet Rooster Chucky . Wherever I Go, Chucky Goes." 

I Am Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent . "we Can't Allow Animals In The Theater." 

The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed The Bird Down His Overalls . He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket And Entered The Theater . 

He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge. 

The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm . The Old Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chucky Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie . 

"Marge," Whispered Mildred . "What?" Said Marge 

"I Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert." 

"What Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge . 

"He Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out," Whispered Mildred . 

"Well, Don't Worry A Bout It," Said Marge. 

" At Our Age We've Seen 'em All" 

"I Thought So Too," Said Mildred, 

"But This One's Eatin My Popcorn!" 

KATZ