Too Bad It's Monday (Humor, Jokes, and KATZ)

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care where it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer.

He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer, which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Take 1:

Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw once started addressing a public meeting at Ahmedabad in English. The crowd started chanting,

"Speak in Gujarati. We will hear you only if you speak in Gujarati." Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw stopped. Swept the audience with a hard stare and replied,

"Friends, I have fought many a battle in my long career. I have learned Punjabi from men of the Sikh Regiment; Marathi from the Maratha Regiment; Tamil from the men of the Madras Sappers; Bengali from the men of the Bengal Sappers, Hindi from the Bihar Regiment; and even Nepali from the Gurkha Regiment. 

Unfortunately, there was no soldier from Gujarat from whom I could have learned Gujarati"

You could have heard a pin drop

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Take 2:

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when Charles DeGaule, the French President, decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, "does that include the 180,000 who are buried here ?" DeGaule could not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop 

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Take 3:

Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. 

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" , the Customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." 

The American said, The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" , the Customs officer sneered.

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look.Then he quietly explained...

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach, at 4:40am, on D-Day in 1944, to help liberate your country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.." 

You could have heard a pin drop.

An elderly man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.

He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."

A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." 

The old man said, "And the same old story!!

Two guys went duck hunting. One drank a bottle and a half of whisky while the other kept watch.

After two hours, a solitary duck flew up. The sober man took aim but missed.

"Quick," he said to his drunken friend, "try and hit that duck."

The drunk waved his shotgun in the vague direction of the sky, pulled the trigger and hit the duck.

"That's amazing," said the sober one.

"Not really," replied the drunk. "When there's a whole flock you can hardly miss!"

A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.

The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot," explained the Blonde.

"Well," said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed."

"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

"Why not?" Asked the owner.

"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"

KATZ