Too Bad It's Monday Humor and KATZ

Cat Dictionary

PandaPurring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes 

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto's city council to vote “no” on a measure to congratulate Canada's Winter Olympians. He said, “If someone's gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.”
Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, "Been there." ~ Jimmy Fallon

This is my last night in Dallas. So I've got to leave Texas with new friends, great memories and dangerously clogged arteries. I have eaten my body weight every night. Literally, I weigh myself before the meal and I say bring me that much meat.

Dallas is home to the first Six Flags theme park. Or, if you really like being on a roller coaster, you can just root for the Cowboys. ~ Conan O'Brien


Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she's still alive. ~ David Letterman

Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan threw out the first pitch at last night's Houston Astros game. Nolan Ryan has had many memorable pitches throughout his storied career. This was not one of them.

Two Spanish historians believe that they've discovered the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones found it back in 1989, but they lost track of it. ~ Jimmy Kimmel


The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh.

Willie Nelson’s stuffed armadillo has been returned after being stolen from a Las Vegas show. And I’m sure Willie was happy to get it back, considering what it’s probably stuffed with. ~ Seth Meyers

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I said to him, "I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” ~ Chelsea Handler

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" 

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." 

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." 

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" 

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. 

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." 

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Three elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." 

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." 

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!" 

One day a professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

KATZ