Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ + Friends

The Cat's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray this cushy life to keep.

I pray for toys that look like mice,

And sofa cushions, soft and nice.

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,

And someone nice to scratch my back,

For windowsills all warm and bright,

For shadows to explore at night.

I pray I'll always stay real cool

And keep the secret feline rule

To NEVER tell a human that

The world is really ruled by CATS!

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.

"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. 

The bartender is curious and asks him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" 

The man replies, "So I know when I'm getting drunk. You see, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I know know I've had enough and I go home."

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. 

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. 

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. 

"I am." said the man. 

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" 

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." 

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. 

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer. 

Interpreting "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Rubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest

A WOMAN'S GUIDE 

TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: 

I'M HUNGRY.

I'm hungry. 

I'M SLEEPY.

I'm sleepy. 

I'M TIRED.

I'm tired. 

I'VE GOTTA GO.

Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. 

WHAT'S WRONG?

I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. 

WHAT'S WRONG?

What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? 

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

I liked it better before. 

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

$50 and it doesn't look that much different! 

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! 

LET'S TALK, HONEY.

I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. 

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. 

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks. 

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