Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

Patient: "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!"

Doctor: "So, since when did you have this problem?"

Patient: "What problem?"

Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."

Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank."

Surfin' the Net

So I think I'm in the clear

the boss is no where in sight

I logon to the web and start to surf

and then my hair stands up with fright

the footsteps coming down the hall

are quickening in pace

there is no time to exit

no way to save my face

so I press the power button

and relax just a bit

there is no way he can tell

exactly what I hit

I act all surprised

don't know why my machine died

"simply unpredictable these

computers are!" I cried

"So we'll get you a new one

a computer that won't crash" he exclaims

Do you think he'll wonder

when the new one acts the same?

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? 

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. 

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

Light Bulbs

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead. 

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes twelve steps.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?

Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You know I only get paid $10 an hour to do this, and I don't know why I always have to do everybody else's work anyway.

Late Night Funnies

Jimmy Fallon:

General Mills, maker of Cheerios, announced that it plans to cut up to 800 jobs. The CEO said, “Our earnings report is nothing but zeros! Wait, I'm sorry, I just spilled some Cheerios on there. Never mind — no layoffs. I apologize.”

Conan O'Brien:

The NFL announced possible sites for next year's draft have been narrowed to two locations. It's either Rikers Island or San Quentin.

Craig Ferguson:

An Australian man tried to rob a gas station with a boomerang. Police expect he'll return to the scene of the crime.

Seth Meyers:

North Korea has reportedly been digging a tunnel all the way to South Korea. They’re making good progress because to dig the hole, they’re using the same team that shovels food into Kim Jong Un’s mouth.

KATZ