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Monday, May 23, 2005

Something New: TBIM Humor

Back when I first heard the letters T.G.I.F., it took me a while to perceive that they stand for “Thank Goodness (or God) It’s Friday.” For the vast majority of working people—the exception being those in industries that serve everyone else on the weekends—the end of the Friday workday becomes a time to celebrate. The same is true for most students; I remember in high school feelings of abandon and elation when that final bell rang on Friday afternoon.

Now I want to suggest another set of four letters: T.B.I.M. I won’t have you guess at the meaning, I’ll tell you: T.B.I.M. = “Too Bad It’s Monday.” Blue Monday/ Miserable Monday/Dismal Monday—however you may see it, Monday can be the exact opposite of Friday.

So here at Nick’s Bytes I want to begin something new. As I suspect most people who email experience, I receive a lot of jokes sent to me by my email friends. As I thought about T.B.I.M., I suddenly realized that Monday would be a great time to share the best of that humor. So, on this Monday, I am going to share with you what I consider the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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