T.B.I.M (Too Bad It’s Monday) Jokes

Here’s what I consider the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week:

THE MALE BRAIN:

THE FEMALE BRAIN:

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List.

With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

The other day I was walking through the park and saw this poor homeless soul sleeping on a bench. This sad castaway of society, was shivering and lonely. I thought that as a random act of kindness it would be the least I could do to offer a home cooked meal, a bed, and a comforting arm and a hug to one of God's creations.

I'm forwarding this on to everyone I know, in an effort to bring light and hope to the homeless people in our communities. I pray that others will see this and also feel compelled to give those less fortunate, a helping hand.

Oh!, I was able to take a picture of this homeless soul as well.

A Wal-Mart manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a jobopening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he foundfour people whowere equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only onequestion. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table theinterviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". Itj ust pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's justthere. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see.A blink!It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is thefastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer."The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply."Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wallthere's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across thepasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewerwas very impressed with the third answer and thought he hadfound his man."It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain," said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.”

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Hanford Wal-Mart!

And who says love is blind?
Probably not Joseph Bisignano from West Des Moines. At least not anymore.

Poor old Joe estimates that he spent more than $330,000 over the past two years trying to woo Mary Toon, a woman he thought would become his bride.
His fourth bride.
She didn't.
And now he wants his money back.
Do I smell a lawsuit brewing? You betcha.
Bisignano has filed a lawsuit seeking to have Ms. Toon fork over the $129,000 in gifts he gave her plus pay him back the $201,259 in loans and purchases he made for her.
The lawsuit alleges, among other things, fraud, breach of contract and "unjust enrichment" if Toon is allowed to keep the fruits of their courtship.
Some of the gifts included a fur coat, a designer wedding dress, artwork, furniture and a 9-plus-carat diamond ring. In addition, Bisignano alleges he loaned Toon $165,000 for an investment and the purchase of a truck.
Getting herself into legal hot water isn't anything new to Ms. Toon. According to court records, Toon would have lost a substantial amount of her own alimony if she and Bisignano had married.
A 1999 divorce decree says cardiac surgeon Richard Toon is required to pay his ex-wife an amount equal to 40 percent of his gross income. The payments, estimated at approximately $11,666 a month in late 1999, would terminate if Mary Toon remarries or if either party dies (either Toon, that is).
Both Toons are scheduled to be in court later this month as part of a long-standing legal battle. The court fights have included repeated allegations of various unpaid debts and undisclosed income.
Looks like Joe will have to stand in line ... again.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 25 I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy.! She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 31 and am looking for a girl with big tits.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.