AMAZON

Monday, September 26, 2005

T.B.I.M (Too Bad It’s Monday) Jokes

Again I am sharing with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., then my goal has been achieved.

This first one isn’t necessarily a joke. It reflects, from my knowledge of him, a colleague’s philosophy of life:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one ever listens; until you fart.

7. Always remember you are unique; just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car/house payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass; then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That occurs around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them better.


A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years—canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following 'Rules' on our front door:


Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy and walks on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially cats.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!!!

A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"

Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other’s dog was just sitting there, with absolutely no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master had downed.

"What ‘s wrong with your dog?" the first hunter asked. "The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I had ever seen!"

"Well," the other hunter replied, "His name is Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard to get the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."


8 comments:

  1. Thanks for posting these. I started the day with a growl, but I'm leaving here with a smile.

    :o)

    ReplyDelete
  2. this is the highlight of my monday...my every monday. I love you! thx again!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous: You’re welcome! Do I know you?

    Thomas: Thanks for the testimony! I hope yesterday went better for you than it went for me!

    Trish: It’s always a pleasure for me to help you smile. I love you, too!

    El: I, too, thought last weeks jokes were funny. Alex appreciated the one about the pets.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I absolutely love this posting. As a mother of three dogs, you have captured my reality! Thank you. It was a great read.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are welcome, Diva.

    I think “A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs” touched a chord with a lot of people. I realize how important the dogs and cat who have been my pets have been important in my life—and that I have friends to whom my pets have seemed worthless.

    Even Microsoft Word negates the importance of them. When spell checking this, MS Word wanted me to change the “who” in the last line to “that” because “who” refers to people and dogs and a cat aren’t people. Ha! Little does MS Word know!

    I suppose I can say with the post, “I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.”

    ReplyDelete
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