AMAZON

Monday, October 03, 2005

T.B.I.M. Jokes

Again I am sharing with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M. (Too Bad It's Monday), then my goal has been achieved.

Cats in Physics

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.



Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."



A blonde was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a SC highway.

The first day, she painted ten miles of road. The second day, she only painted five. Her boss, seeing how she was getting slower, decided to give her a day off, thinking that she needed a rest.

When she came back the next day, she only painted 0.5 miles of road. Her now discouraged boss came up to her and said, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"

"Simple," the blonde answered. "I've been getting farther away from where you put the paint can!"



A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank by the balls."



A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.

Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.

A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel.

So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution. The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied. "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."



Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to! you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny. "

Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".

7 comments:

  1. I skim a lot of blogs, and
    so far yours is in the Top 3
    of my list of favorites. I'm
    going to dive in and try my
    hand at it, so wish me luck.

    It'll be in a totally different
    area than yours (mine is
    about keyword bidding)
    I know, it sounds strange, but it's
    like anything, once you learn more
    about it, it's pretty cool.

    If you don't mind, I'd really appreciate
    being able to come back and get a
    few tips and suggestions from you,
    if that's alright, alright?

    Thanks,
    Tiffany Burrell
    Keyword Queen!
    ps. I confess, that's not my real picture! :-)

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  2. I really liked the jokes...especially the one about cats as I have three!!!!

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  3. I love the bank pres. balls one - that is so going to be my latest long-drunken-bbq joke!

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  4. Loved the cat 'quotes'... too funny! My roommate has a cat, that I am slowly growing VERY fond of.. kitties are the best in so many different ways!

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  5. Punkmom: I’m glad you appreciated the cat physics stuff. I really didn’t appreciate cat jokes until Alex the cat became my master. Now I can see Alex in each one of them. Fir example, “Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.” Alex slept under my comforter last night, curled up next to my body.


    Sonson: After the “A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs” that was one of the jokes on September 26, lots of people have been emailing me cat and dog jokes. Here are two that came in today that will be included in next Monday’s jokes:

    "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."

    "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”


    Song: That joke about the woman betting the bank president—and her attorney—is a variation of an older joke I heard thirty years ago. When I read this one I had forgotten the older one until I came to the punch line. BTW, that betting woman reminds me too much of my friend, Candy, whose goal in life seems to be to hustle as much money from folks as possible while giving the as little as she can. (As you may know, she’s an exotic dancer).


    Audrey: I think kittens/cats grow on one and we can rapidly become attached to their distinctive ways. My #2 son owns two cats. One of them is a recluse and the other is an adventurer. Each has his own personality, just like my two sons.

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  6. Bunch of good jokes again! Thanks!

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