T.B.I.M. Jokes

Again I am sharing with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M. (Too Bad It's Monday), then my goal has been achieved.

WASTED

Cat Quotes

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." – Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." -- Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." -- Jeff Valdez

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." -- Mary Bly

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." -- Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." -- Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." -- Hippolyte Taine

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.

The Brit's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"

The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!"

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"
She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"