Monday's Jokes

Here are the best of the jokes I received in my email last week:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy,” whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated & said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong & I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something & then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes & then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly & asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly & smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "What's wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.


One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.

His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat.

The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"


A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


A guy walks into a bar on top of a skyscraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.

The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says, “Hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground?”

The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, “Prove it.”

So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, “Told ya.”

He looks at the bartender, who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, “Do that again.”

So he does it again. The man is astonished, walks out to the window, jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.

The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, “You know, you are a real asshole when you're drinking, Superman.”