Monday Before Christmas Jokes

With my soul again able to hear the music and feel the Spirit moving me to dance the dance of life and love, my Christmas decorating 95% completed, my house 80% on the way to being how want it, and my “guests” now departed, I feel comfortable in posting these, the best of the jokes I received in my email last week.



'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.


Maury's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one. As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"


Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching yourmate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these things. We therefore rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

- "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.

- "What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

- "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

- "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

- "Give me that!"

- "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

- "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

- "You've just wound 'em around and around—I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

- "Have you been drinking?"

- "Where's the cat?"


Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily

Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily

Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily

Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from
Emily

Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what shemeans. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily

Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily

Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily

Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!
Emily

Jan 3
As I write this letter, 10 disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are being a nuisance with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law


'Twas, the night before Christmas,
and all through the house.

Not a creature was stirring,
except for my mouse.

No kids lived with me,
so I thought I would chatter.

There'd be no damn reindeer,
and no stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf,
coming through my chimney.

I'll be alone,
my computer and me.

I won't race to the window,
to see him arrive.

I'll just sit right here.....
with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know,
as I'm surfing around.

None of my regular
buddies are found.

I went in some chat rooms,
but quickly got out.

Age, sex, location
is all that's about.

As, I was about to go
check out the net.

I got an E-mail
which I didn't expect.

A lady told me,
she had read my profile.

And, ask, if I might like
to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't,
then she would just leave.

But, she was so lonely,
on this Christmas Eve.

She said, it's the first time,
she'd ever been on.

But, she heard, computers,
could be so much fun.

She said, the computer,
was usually locked tight.

But, she said, her husband,
left it on... tonight.

He's away on some business;
he'll be gone all night.

So, she thought she'd use it,
"I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me,
about her whole life.

How she was expected
to be a good wife.

She talked of her anger,
frustrations, and needs.

Because, she was forced,
to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on,
from one thing to the next.

Then finally told me......
she was oversexed.

She didn't have sex,
with her husband, she told.

He's always too busy,
and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something,
that made my heart vex.

She asked me to teach her,
to have cyber-sex.

I said, if she wanted me to,
that I could.

Then after an hour,
she got really good.

After five hours,
my fingers were sore.

I told her,
that I couldn't go anymore.

She said, that was fine,
because she was tired too.

And anyway, her husband,
soon would be due.

She said she would be on,
the same time next year.

Then asked, if I wouldn't mind,
meeting her here.

She said, only.... on this night,
she could be found.

It is only.... this night,
her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off.....
and I had to pause.

I think I just cybered........
with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!