Jokes for the First Monday of 2006

Here are the best of the jokes I received in my emails last week:

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were camping when they ran out of food. The brunette went out hunting and came back the next morning with a deer.

“How did you get that?” asked the redhead.

“Well, said the brunette, “Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer.”

The next night the redhead went out hunting. The next morning she came back with a bear.

“How did you get that?” asked the blonde.

“Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear,” said the redhead.

The third night the blonde went out and the next morning she came back bruised, bloody, and clothes torn.

“What happened?” asked the brunette?

The blonde replied, “Found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by the train.”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

The Cat’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray this cushy life to keep.

I pray for toys that look like mice,

And sofa cushions, soft and nice.

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,

And someone nice to scratch my back,

For windowsills all warm and bright,

For shadows to explore at night.

I pray I'll always stay real cool

And keep the secret feline rule

To NEVER tell a human that

The world is really ruled by CATS!

How To Clean A Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

the Dog

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"