Monday, February 27, 2006

Monday's Jokes

Here are the best of the jokes I received in my emails last week.

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bob, Don, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was conceived, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was conceived on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

"It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

The first of the baby-boomers are starting to turn sixty-years old. In honor of that occasion, a number of popular songs of our era are in the process of being revised to reflect conditions of the present day. They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. The Beatles -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it through the Grape Nuts
10. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
11. Abba -- Denture Queen
12. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
13. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
14. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want to

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states" The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide.

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November
8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Attny: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Attny: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Witness: No, you stupid ass, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Attny: I object.
Judge: To what?
Attny: The witness called me a “stupid ass.”
Judge: Over ruled.

In the mid-60's, a US Navy cruiser stopped in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers to attend the dance. They should arrive at 8 p.m., prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews - We don't like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady of the house heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, smiling black officers.

Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Goldberg doesn't make mistakes!"


  1. HAAHAAHAAAAAA, Nick, That joke about the frenchman and the american is superb!!! What a way to whack a snob!! Delicious.

  2. Always look forward to your Monday jokes :) Keep 'em comin'.....

  3. Those jokes were superb! The Jewish navy captain sure got back at the Mississippi bigot. I’m still amused by the last one of the lawyer questions. The judge saying “over ruled” to the lawyer’s objection set me off and I can’t stop laughing.

  4. All of these were fantastic!
    My fav? One of the attorney ones...where the atty was called a stupid ass. Some are. I'm in law school with some future stupid ass attorneys. I can see them being overruled in court with some stupid thing they will, for sure, say.

    Thanks for the great laughs today!

  5. I love the new songs for boomers! Herman's Hermits are a hit with me again!

  6. The shocked cat and the bored cat are wonderful. Thanks (again) for the jokes.

  7. Funny jokes. Thank you.

  8. Funny jokes! Great laughs for a Monday.

  9. Thanks for those, all had me laughing.

  10. i almost forgot to look at ur jokes--glad i did

  11. I finally found your blog and laughed and laughed.

  12. Hey Nick! LMAO @ that fortune made my evening...too funny!