Monday's Jokes

Here are the best of the jokes I received in my emails last week.

How many CATS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Persian: "Light bulb? What light bulb?"
Somali: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out light bulb?"
Norwegian Forest Cat: "Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to date, too."
Cornish Rex: "Hey Guys, I've found the switch."
Sphynx : "Turn it back on again, I'm cold."
Siamese: "Make me!"
Birman: "Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing."
Maine Coon: "Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeaze let me change the light bulb! Can I, huh? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?"
Manx: "Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."
British SH: "Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?"
British Moggy: "None, catnap time is too precious to waste!"


World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said,"NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.


The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.


A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment o f silence passed between the two women.

Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."


Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."


These are notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.

"Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33."
"Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins."
"Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat."
"Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels."
"Please excuse Joyce from jim today."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
"John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."
"Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor."
"My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie's is brusted and sticking in his Gum's."
"Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot."
"My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him."
"Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust."
"Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault."

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the “Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2.. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12.. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, my last question...

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?