Monday's Jokes

Here are the best of the jokes I received in my emails last week.


A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly—after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."


A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"


Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."


When the delegate from the emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a piston to his head and pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers contained a real bullet.

Now the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.

"We would like to show you our version of roulette," the Ambassador said., "We call this African roulette."

"How do you play it?"

The Ambassador pointed to the six buxom African girls sitting in a circle., "Any of these girls will give you a blow job."

"Where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy?" the Russian asked.

"Well," said the African Ambassador, "One of the girls is a cannibal."


A girl from the south and a girl from the north were seated next to each other on an airplane. The girl from the south, being the friendly type, asked the northern girl, "So, where ya from?"

The northern girl replied, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the south sat quietly for a few moments and then blurted, "So, where ya from, bitch!"


The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack. He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"


A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor: "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"


Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."


An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

“The pub telephoned and said you left your wheelchair there again.”