Monday's Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds overeverybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was more handsome and sophisticated than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something. Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer; could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Notlike me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!"

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon."

“Then how do you know so much about him?”

“I married his ex-wife.”


MILITARY WISDOM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." ~ Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." ~ Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” ~ U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject (parachute) directly over the area you have just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of bad weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone who is braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rule: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go nearthe edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?” The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation: "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,”As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"