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Monday, May 22, 2006

Monday's Jokes

Below is what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my email during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on this Monday, my goal has been achieved.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow! it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T" (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I—I thought it was a golf term.


The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"


Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John."After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."

The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Please tell him to simply answer the question."

The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, "Let's hear what he has to say. If he doesn't get around to answering your question, we'll deal with it after we find out about Bessie."

Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin' real bad and I couldn't even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.

At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "Two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"

The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"


A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?!"




2 comments:

  1. The cat in the cartoon did not look happy at having to be the cat and the mouse. ec

    ReplyDelete