Here are the best jokes I received in last week's email (that I usually post on Monday):
An attorney is sitting in his office late one night, when Satan suddenly appears before him. The Devil tells the lawyer, "Have I got a deal for you! You will win every case you try. Your clients will adore you. Your colleagues will be in awe of you, and , of course, you will make more money than you can ever spend. All I want in exchange is your eternal soul."
The lawyer thinks for a moment, then asks, "So, what's the catch?"
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
Two prostitutes in a van were driving through a small southern town displaying a sign on the side of their van that read: TWO PROSTITUTES LOOKING FOR WORK. When pulled over by the local police, they were told that it was illegal to display such a sign on the side of their vehicle. About that time a van drives by with the sign JESUS SAVES proudly displayed on its side.
"Well that van had a sign on its side and you didn't stop them", argued one of the prostitutes to the police officer.
"Well that was a religious sign and that's not illegal. You girls get out of town before morning", yelled the officer.
The next morning the same officer spotted the same van with the same two women in it proudly driving down Main Street. Immediately pulling the van over, he yelled, "I thought I told you two to get out of town before morning.
"But officer, we are not breaking any law now," said one of the girls. Proudly displayed on the side of their van was a sign that read, TWO ANGELS LOOKING FOR PETER. "
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?''
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.''
''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.''
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
You know you have been a stripper for too long when you start signing your checks with your stage name. (As if a stripper had a checking account)
Two salemen were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One salesman took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"
The first salesman replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."
And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
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