Monday's Jokes

Below is what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my email during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on this Monday, my goal has been achieved.

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked: "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

A whopping 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any enemies," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Snow."


A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


Instrument Flying...

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

** Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

** Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

** Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

** Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

** Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

** Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

** Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.