Monday's Jokes

These I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my email during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on this Monday, my goal has been achieved.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment!


"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client."First the bad news: the blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."


Tonto and the Lone Ranger stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment; then he says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole tent."


The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."


Kelly limps into his favorite pub.

“My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley," whispered Kelly to the bartender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"


A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no, sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?”