AMAZON

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Funniest Jokes In Last Week's Email

It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment—"Find water!"—is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them.

The Ten Suggestions
1. I am the Lord thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other G-ds besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy G-d in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy G-d. The name "Adonai thy G-d" is the sole property of Adonai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Adonai thy G-d without the express written consent of Adonai thy G-d is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy G-d.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Judy.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open it's heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic: ''Try doing it with the engine running."

Two lawyers were out hiking in the backwoods of Montana when they happened upon an enormous Grizzly bear, obviously looking for a little lunch. The one lawyer froze dead in his tracks, while the other calmly sat down, opened his backpack, took out his running shoes and put them on.

"Are you crazy?" the petrified lawyer whispered to the other. "You can't out run that bear."

"I don't need to. All I have to do is out run you!"

LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________ GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'

Morris Goldstein finished his college education and decided his future was in radio broadcasting. After college he graduated from Yale's famous master's program in Performing Arts. Not satisfied he took further training at the famous New York Academy of Public Speaking.

With all his degrees in hand Morris got his first interview for a radio announcer's job at WKWK Radio in Manhattan.

That night Morris sadly admitted to his friend Jerry that he was turned down on his first interview for a radio announcer's job.

Friend Jerry said. "But why Morris, you have all the education and degrees?"

Morris said with great sadness, "B-b-bec-c-caus-se t-t-hey-y a-a-ar-re a-aa-an-n-nt-ti ss-sse-m-m-met-tic aa-at w-k-k-w-w-k-k-k ! "

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"





10 comments:

  1. I love the LA Hgih School exam...too funny (but too true!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the lawyer one... I like Mondays!

    xxx

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  3. I can always count on you to make me laugh. Thanks...I needed it.

    -N

    ReplyDelete
  4. Some good ones. The judges voting in favor of the hottie made me laugh out loud.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great jokes & emails ... thanks for sharing.
    Hope you are having a great week.
    Take care, Meow

    ReplyDelete
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