The Best Jokes in Last Week's Email

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Things CATS Must Try To Remember!

1. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
2. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
3. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
6. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".
7. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
8. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
9. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
10. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
11. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
12. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
13. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
14. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
15. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
16. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
17. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
18. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
19. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.
20. If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.

So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"