AMAZON

Monday, January 01, 2007

The First “Too Bad It’s Monday” Jokes of 2007

Mother update: Unfortunately, I have nothing new to report since yesterday's update . My mother remains hospitalized; she still hasn’t seen a physician since she was in the emergency room. I assume that is because of the New Year’s Holiday.

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Twisted Christmas Carols

Deck The Halls

See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

Barbie’s Letter to Santa:

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2006

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2006:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 21st Century persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, you fat elf, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie


12 comments:

  1. Those carols are a bit sick. I really appreciate the Barbie letter to Santa. The doll says things that, as a long-time Barbie hater, I have thought. I am still giggling.

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  2. Happy New Year to you and yours Nick!! I am so sorry to hear about your mum, hopefully you'll get some news soon! Loved the Barbie letter! lol

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  3. Hope your mom is feeling better Nick, & that she doesn't mind the extended stay...

    Love your first-Monday-of-the-year jokes - the Barbie letter especially:)

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  4. My underwear was molded on once. Really gross.

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  5. Nick, I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. I hope that things work out and they figure out what's wrong with her soon. It's always such a scary experience having a loved one sick, and not knowing what's really wrong.

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  6. Just came back to see how your mum was...

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  7. LOl @ Barbie! Best wishes to you & your mum :o)

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  8. Hi Nick ~~ Enjoyed the Barbie letter.
    I hope your mother is comfortable and
    that a doctor has been to see her.
    Thank you for your comments, glad you enjoy the jokes. And yes, it's a good way to start 2007 with some laughs.
    Take care Nick, regards, Merle.

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  9. ROTFL. But at least I am not unhappy it is monday because I have the week off.

    -N

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  10. As a long time Barbie doll hater, I really appreciated that letter!

    Hope your mom is doing better.

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  11. Wanna stop smoking in 2007?

    I have something that will help you STOP SMOKING for LIFE, guaranteed! Interested?

    It's called "Stop Smoking Today", and I will GIVE YOU THE $49 product for FREE... you can even become affiliate if you want to. If you review the product on your blog.

    Interested? Come check out http://www.stop-smoking-today.com

    Sorry about the spammy post, I'm just trying to get to spread the word about this life-saving product without pills, cravings, or failing again!

    Warmly,

    JP

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