A Few Jokes on Monday

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"



"OLD" IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..
Your friends compliment you on
your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
A sexy babe catches your eye and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN
...... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead of by the police

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Getting a little action" means I
don't need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Getting lucky" means you find
your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.






Men Are Just Happier People: What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.


The garage is all yours.


Wedding plans take care of themselves.


Chocolate is just another snack.


You can be President.


You can never be pregnant.


You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car mechanics tell you the truth.


The world is your urinal.


You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.


You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.


Wrinkles add character.


Wedding dress $5000 but Tux rental $100.


People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.


New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.


You know stuff about tanks.


A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.


You can open all your own jars.


You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.


Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.


You almost never have strap problems in public.


You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.


Everything on your face stays its original color.


The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.


You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.


Your belly usually hides your big hips.


One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.


You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.


You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


No wonder men are happier!!!