AMAZON

Monday, April 02, 2007

Fab News & a Few Jokes for Monday

The hope I was feeling yesterday came to fruition today when the mail brought me (1) my Veterans Administration Medical ID card (just time time since I have only 4 days of medication remaining) and notice from the Pension Boards that my first annuity check will be mailed to me on April 20.

With that fabulous news, below are all of the jokes I have received in my email during the past week:

Does Your Cat Own You? (of course Alex owns me)

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food icon in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children?
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?


A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."


Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! It would suck you in and you were gone forever.

One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.

The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most Beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too, disappeared.

The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."
ZAP!


It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure. Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"


During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his Politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions:"

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?


After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man. The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."


O
ne night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance.''

A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''

15 comments:

  1. Wonderful news and great jokes, Nick

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  2. They all made me chuckle. But the one about cats really got me.

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  3. That is most wonderful news Nick! Thank you!!

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  4. Very good news.. What a relief! God is surely good, huh?

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  5. I'm still laughing over Bush and the kids. "Where's Bobby?"

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  6. Congratulations, Rev Saint, and thanks for the laughs.

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  7. Great news, Nick. Glad Alex isn't all on his own at the moment, either.
    Isn't it funny, there seems to be a huge amount of bloggers who are posting about cats at the moment !! I like it !!
    Take care, Meow

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  8. Thank God I'm allergic to cats. And the last joke reminded me of something I would do to my girlfriend! ha!

    Great stuff Nick!

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  9. nice jokes :) and i'm so glad u have some good news finally :)

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  10. Hehehe...I am amazed that you are here to make us laugh despite the hard stuff that happens to you. But I am grateful for that and for you and I hope it all gets better soon.

    -N

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  11. That wife accused of incredible escapades sounds like our mutual acquaintance. Thanks for the jokes. I need some smiles today.

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  12. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?


    Our oldest cat knows how to count up to three because at the count of 3, the door closes again.

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  13. And I forgot to say how pleased I was to hear your good news. You were overdue.

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  14. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

    A: A padded headboard.

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