Monday, April 23, 2007

Monday's Jokes

"I hope I'm not poisonous," said the first snake.

"Why?" asked the second.

"Because I just bit my lip."

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

RuPaul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.

RuPaul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."

Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."

Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."

Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.

RuPaul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends over to pick up the quarter, but before he reaches it... POOF! RuPaul disappears.

Democrat's Concession

The election is over the results are well known
The voice of the people has clearly been shown
Lets all pull together and show by our deeds
That we will give Bush all the help that he needs
Forget all our differences and let bitterness pass
I'll kiss your elephant
And you kiss my ass...

Aussie Love Poem

Of Course I Love Ya Darling
Your A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say Your Gorgeous
I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side
I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready
Theres Somethin There To Grab

So Your Belly Isnt Flat No More
I Tell Ya, I Dont Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya
I Can Get My Arms Around There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age
Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity
But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

Im Tellin Ya The Truth Now
I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think Its Very Sexy
That Youv Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear On Me Nannas Grave Now
The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As
I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like
Ill Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On
And Get Me Another Beer!


  1. What's up, Rev. Saint? You posted Monday's jokes before I could read Sunday's post. It's barely Monday here!

  2. That poem is so Aussie... romantic bunch!

    I love the cat/mother one.

  3. too funny! Especially the one with Ru Paul....teeheeeheee!

  4. Hi Nick ~~ Thanks for your comments.
    I think it is so nice of you to post about Anzac Day. I will be back to read your post. Enjoyed your jokes
    especially The Aussie Love Poem.Seems
    like you have known a few Aussies !!
    I was so glad to read that your Pension is almost there and that you and Alex will be able to go home soon. Take care Nick, Regards, Merle.

  5. Love all of them. But the Aussie stuff made me laugh for ages.


  6. Haha!!!!!!!!! Always keep that soap on a rope Billy boy! These were hysterical---where do you get these?

  7. I laughed so hard that I bit my lip. I hope I'm not poisonous! :}

  8. The Aussie jokes were right up my alley. :)

  9. I love the one with the couple getting into the cab. Can you imagine the look on the driver's face?

  10. I love it!

    Forget all our differences and let bitterness pass
    I'll kiss your elephant
    And you kiss my ass...

  11. I appreciate your jokes!