Thank God Its Memorial Day & We Aren’t Working Monday Jokes

Rather than my normal Too Bad Its Monday jokes, I'm celebrating Memorial Day in the United States early by posting on Sunday all of the jokes that I received in my last week's email.

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A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”

“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free', she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She Handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and Said, 'Where?'

...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with that stuff.'

...............They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I Got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was Open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a Week. He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

..............They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a Seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a soda run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The Cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained Professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small Pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before Responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL.................................

they VOTE!

What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?

"Neato...Doughnut seeds!"

What did the father say to his blonde daughter?

''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.''

What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?

Locking the car door.

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, ''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.'' The blonde leaned over and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.''

Q: What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Arkansas?

A: A full set of teeth.

A farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed—not like he could do anything else—and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.”

Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.”

So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?”

The construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.”

Satan replied, “No way! He's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.”

God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages.

Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Voodoo Enronomics

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk and gives you back a share.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

And, since it is Memorial Day, below is the video A Pittance of Time by Canadian Terry Kelly that is becoming a Memorial Day tradition here at Nick's Bytes.