Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

May this bit of humor make this Monday a bit more tolerable.

The Dalai Lama is a spiritual leader. He walks every where he goes and thus has thick callouses on his feet. Even when he is not fasting, he does not eat very much and so is as thin as a rail and has terrible breath from malnutrition. In fact, you might say, that he's a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagues With Halitosis.

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

Three brunettes and one blonde are captured in the jungle by natives. The leader says "I am going to tell you 100 jokes and if you laugh at any of them, then i will kill you." So he tells the first joke, and the three brunettes start to laugh. He kills them.

He gets to the 50th joke and the blonde still hasn't laughed. He finally get to the 99th joke and she still didnt laugh yet. He tells the 100th joke and she laughs hysterically. The Native kills her and she goes up to heaven and the brunettes ask her "How did you last so long?" and the blonde says "I just got the first one."

Devil bursts through door of a Lutheran church as the pastor is giving his sermon. People run, scream wildly to get out. Devil proceeds to the pulpit where he sees a little old man sitting, arms crossed, on the front row, planted firmly. Devil says"Man, aren't you afraid?? Don't you know who I am??" The little man replies, "Course I know who you are—I've been married to your SISTER for the last 45 years!!".

A priest and a Baptist meet every Wednesday for lunch. The Baptist always drives his car and the priest always rides his bike. One week, the priest came without his bike. The Baptist asked the priest, "Where's your bike?"

The priest answered, "I don't know, somebody stole it."

The Baptist suggested, "During Sunday's mass, go over the Ten Commandments and, when you get to the Commandment, 'Thou shall not steal', the person who looks away is the person who stole your bike."

The priest came back the next week with his bike. The Baptist asks, "So it worked?"

The priest replied, "Yeah, when I got to the Commandment "Thou shall not commit adultery", I remembered where I left my bike."

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg, Wisconsin newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Eau Claire, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Norwegians were already using wireless."

What do Computer Techs use for birth control?

Their personalities.

A dietarian comes to Chicago to talk about foods that are bad for you. She had just gotten done with her section on what foods you should eat, when she said, "There is 1 food that could kill us all in here because it's so bad for you. Does anybody know what that food is?"

An old man, about 75 years old, told her he knew the answer. She told him to tell it to everyone. He turned around to face the crowd and said, "Wedding cake."

Two psychiatrist friends meet each other on the street. The first one says, "You're fine. How am I?"

A guy in a bar in Scotland saw an old man looking sad. Asked why the long face, the old man said, "You see this bar here? I built it with me own hands. And do they call me McGregor the Barbuilder? No. Ya see that wall out there? I built that too. And do they call me McGregor the wallbuilder? No. See that pier, goin' out farrr as the eye can see? I built that too. McGregor the pierbuilder? No. Ah, laddie" said the man. "You have sex with one lousy sheep and…"