Monday, October 08, 2007

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Click on graphic for clearer view
(R.G.F., West Virginia)

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney." (M.R.C.)

Another Chinese-manufactured toy recalled:

(R.G.F., West Virginia)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected. (P.B., Nebraska)

Cultural Differences

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Isn’t the World Great!

(S.L., Australia)

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. (J.S., Arizona)

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies. (M.R.C.)


  1. At least the Chinese toy recall is not for lead paint this time.

    Gotta love the Texas gun powder one.

    Gee I kept hoping the Head Cleaner we get up here in Michigan. I guess if it is only static I will have to pick something else.

    Very nice.

  2. I loved The World According to Americans (the Santa caption made me laugh), but the Chinese recall made me wince.

  3. LOL!!! - The cheese/butt-grater is priceless. HILARIOUS!!

    ... cute black kitty! =)

  4. all so funny! I love the pooe last little kitty. So cute.

  5. I loved the "American Perspective" piece and laughed at "Santa!" too.

    I've seen the UCLA psychiatry department joke before thanks to "Kentucky Brat" and thought it was dead-on. God I miss that girl. She's grrrrrreat!


  6. I did enjoy the "cultural differences" - when I was stationed in Paris France, (1960-62) we mostly worked with Brits. In fact, we lived in the same small camp near NATO Hqtrs. ec

  7. Hi Nock ~~ Good jokes ~~ I liked the Cultural Differences best too.
    Thanks for your comments, About Labels and the question of "What do you do?" No word on the Ultra- sound yet. I just hope the Doctor does
    not ring me. That means trouble, usually. I will ring tomorrow but am
    not too worried about it. Take care,
    Kind regards, Merle.

  8. Oh!!!!! That last kitten looks soooo sad.

  9. I love the cat pics! I read this on Tuesday evening but it still worked for me. TBIM has been stretched for me! Oh, and Alex popped by to see me! :o)

  10. The last kitty is so cute with the raccoon eyes!
    The jokes were all priceless, but the 'head cleaner'......BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
    GREAT JOKES!!!!!!

  11. I need a clone of that last kitty -- it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

    I love the gun powder joke -- I'll have to remember it.

  12. Love the pictures. Also especially like the pre-menstrual woman one.

  13. The Cultural Differences one was the best, I thought ...
    Thanks for the giggles, Nick.
    Take care, Meow

  14. i love those cats...
    btw- where is africa on that map?