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Monday, December 03, 2007

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.





Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

~ J S



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

~ A L

Maury's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one. As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?" ~ R




I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. ~ M C

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..." ~ A L



KATZ



27 comments:

  1. Good teacher jokes, those are funny.

    ~Oswegan

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  2. Funny stuff, Rev Saint. Yoda, of course, is my favorite sage.

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  3. Hi Nick ~~ Some great jokes there. I liked the kids and the teacher ones.
    Thank you for the Blessing on first Sunday of Advent, and may I return the same to you. How is that leg of yours? Take great care, although that lovely new deck looks safe !!
    Regards, Merle.

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  4. fun-nee i luv dumbledore & david bowie kitties

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  5. I don't know how you grab all of these funny things----these were great! :)

    Thanks for making me laugh this morning, Nick!

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  6. Ha, I will be using some of those. Cheers Nick!!

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  7. These are hilarious, I'm stealing some

    Do you ever get winter SAD?

    p.s. You make the best Santa of all!

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  8. Here via Matt-Man. I can see why you read his blog - similar taste in humor!

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  9. Hilarious - high forwardibility quotient. Thanks!

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  10. Good Monday cheer-us-ups. I needed those.

    One of our companion apartment complexes that I call Warehouses for Old People had a 5 alarm fire last week. The City, the Fire Department and HUD takes fires very seriously and especially when it is an apartment complex filled with 200+ elderly and handicapped citizens.
    As a result, the powers that be immediately scheduled Fire Inspections at all similar facilities. Since early this A.M. (before God was even awake) they have been testing the alarm system and inspecting our apartments. It is now 3 P.M. and the constant repetition of the screeching weeweeoos of the alarm is becoming VERY aggravating.
    So some humor was a mood saver. Thanks!

    Re: you peaceful coexistence with some spiders for pest control. When I had my house, I did the same with non-web builders. (housewives don't like spider webs littering their homes) Those were captured and evicted. But there were 2 kinds that stalked their prey - a black fuzzy spider with green mouth parts and a greyish one with brown stripes - both were excellent jumpers and woe to any bug or fly that alit within stalking distance. Most of my daughters feared the spiders but they warned everyone, "Don't bother Mama's spiders". The sons, ofcourse, delighted in watching the little creatures stalk their prey and make a lightening leap to dispatch it.

    Thank you for visiting us. We appreciate your visits and comments.

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  11. Nick
    You have a cat problem.
    They get into our minds and controls us

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  12. Personally, I love Mondays. I jump out of bed and take a shower, have my coffee, and pay all my bills, and go to the gym, and, OK, I'm full of shit.

    The H to O joke took the cake for me. I'm going to have to use it.

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  13. LOL at 4 stages of Santa--I will share that with my son who is proud to no longer believe in Santa.

    I have 2 different color eyes as well--1 brown, 1 green. My son has blue eyes with a splash of goldish brown. Odd genetics.

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  14. I got plenty of laughs out of these. But I had to send the Hanukkah joke to a friend of mine who was raised Jewish. I know he'll be able to relate.

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  15. Those are just what the doctor ordered. However, they do NOT translate funny into German (well, not funny in the same way).

    Thanks and 'hi'.

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  16. you have no idea how much i needed those today!!

    "because George still had the ax" made me laugh til i cried.

    and that's the kind of day it's been.

    thanks for the laughs!!

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  17. In my heart, I AM SANTA CLAUS. In my mirror, I LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS. :(

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  18. There are some badass gags buried in that list.

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  19. All of those are just too funny. I especially like the ones regarding kids. Too funny.

    Have a blessed week!

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  20. Mr. Nick,

    These Monday jokes are still funny on a Tuesday evening! Love the picture of Santa and Alex, and David Bowie is adorable.

    Holiday cheers,

    Renie

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  21. I think you may have discovered why Yoda tended to reverse his subjects and predicates.

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  22. love your monday posts nick!
    thanx for the giggle... even though today is thursday!
    mwaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaaaaa

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  23. ` I read most of those jokes when I was six. But that's okay. I still like you because you look like Santa Claus. ;)

    --Signed, the seventeenth letter of the alphabet.

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  24. Thanks for the teacher jokes! I can relate! And I needed to giggles- I Love Mondays over here at your blog!

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  25. lol... gotta love those teacher jokes :) I will be sure to remember a few for my sister-in-law (teacher of course.)

    And i WANT the David Bowie kitty!! that is so cute!

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  26. lol... gotta love those teacher jokes :) I will be sure to remember a few for my sister-in-law (teacher of course.)

    And i WANT the David Bowie kitty!! that is so cute!

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