AMAZON

Monday, December 17, 2007

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal Agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
And how old are you?

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Holy Bible.

He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said "Reverend, I don't think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book by book, chapter by chapter, and verse by verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read "... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."


As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"




Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.


An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."




Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching yourmate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these things. We therefore rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

- "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.

- "What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

- "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

- "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

- "Give me that!"

- "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

- "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

- "You've just wound 'em around and around—I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

- "Have you been drinking?"

- "Where's the cat?"


RUDOLPH & SANTA









KATZ



20 comments:

  1. Santa and Rudolf poking their heads out of the fireplace is a classic.

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  2. I suppose Santa would walk in on a situation or two. I never would have thought.

    Wizard under the sheets, very funny.

    Thank goodness I am not on that list. I am afraid I was not born yet when Roswell happened.

    Thank you for the chuckles.

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  3. hhehe, love it
    I'll steal some
    Love the cat has your teeth,
    funniest
    Of course you know I love any kind of cat humour.
    ox

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  4. Came to get my Monday morning funnies and you more than supplied...I loved the cat Twas' the Night Before...and the Rudolph cartoons. Too scary to think about the Roswell/birth link though.
    Thanks Nick!

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  5. Tee hee, thanks again for the Monday laughs. They were, indeed, needed today.

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  6. hehehehe roflwmp. thank you!

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  7. hahaha!
    Loved them all!
    You certainly know how to kick start a Monday!
    many thanks! xx

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  8. I leave here still laughing! Great jokes. Thank you.

    Renie

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  9. I really enjoyed today’s jokes. The cartoons with Santa and Rudolph were especially funny. The puppy picture at the end of the Katz made my evening.

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  10. These jokes are most humorous and not just because you used two of the ones that I send you.

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  11. SSN,

    Too funny! Thank you for taking the BLAH out of my Monday.

    xoxooxo
    DA

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  12. I am not a dog lover person.. but that puppy is sooo cute!!!

    And thanks for the funnies :)

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  13. Whoa, very interesting about those born nine post-Roswell. Tres coolio.

    Sumpin to munch on, that's fo sho.

    Hope all is well on your end. Been a bit of a trifle dealing with Blogger lately. I've been by but it's taken fo-evuh to load and impossible to comment. Who knows?

    --

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  14. Very good, Rev Saint. Reading these jokes has been a perfect way to end my Monday.

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  15. ` I don't get the thing with the penguins, but strangely I think I understand the cheezburger thing.

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